How do you define success in life? What is the KPI?
Your own KPI, society's KPI or the KPI within your circle of friends?
31 December 2008
22 July 2008
:: Singapore or UK? Singapore. ::
The plan was to decide whether we will remain in sunny Singapore or return back to the gloomy skies of UK when both of us come back here in Singapore for our wedding. Well, it didn't take long for him to decide to stay put in this small island while I'm still half-hearted about the decision.
There are pros and cons about the 2 countries. The main reason for his decision to remain here is.....none other than me. He figured out that I would be happier here coz that's where my family and friends are and these people are important to me. These are also the ones that remind me of my existence in this world.
Having said that, I simply do not wish I am the reason that could possibly destroy the rare opportunities he may have in UK. I could deal with living by ourselves in UK. I do feel sufficient if its just the two of us. After all, the plan is to save as much as possible should we choose to stay in UK. For the same amount of money earned in pounds, you could be doing a part-time job whereas in Singapore, you might be slogging your arse off.
Or maybe... just maybe... I am too used to doing nothing for now? The idea of going back to a desk-bound 9-5 job and joining all the other rats in the race in Singapore just do not appeal to me. Maybe I'm in denial. I wish I could have my earning power back yet not slogging my precious life away. WORK-LIFE BALANCE damnit! Can Singapore really achieve that?
There are pros and cons about the 2 countries. The main reason for his decision to remain here is.....none other than me. He figured out that I would be happier here coz that's where my family and friends are and these people are important to me. These are also the ones that remind me of my existence in this world.
Having said that, I simply do not wish I am the reason that could possibly destroy the rare opportunities he may have in UK. I could deal with living by ourselves in UK. I do feel sufficient if its just the two of us. After all, the plan is to save as much as possible should we choose to stay in UK. For the same amount of money earned in pounds, you could be doing a part-time job whereas in Singapore, you might be slogging your arse off.
Or maybe... just maybe... I am too used to doing nothing for now? The idea of going back to a desk-bound 9-5 job and joining all the other rats in the race in Singapore just do not appeal to me. Maybe I'm in denial. I wish I could have my earning power back yet not slogging my precious life away. WORK-LIFE BALANCE damnit! Can Singapore really achieve that?
25 June 2008
:: back!! ::
It feels good to be back!!!! Enough said!!!!
But the weather not so welcoming though...its hot and sticky!!!
But the weather not so welcoming though...its hot and sticky!!!
20 May 2008
:: a fairytale?? ::
I was watching the movie "Music and Lyrics" again that was showing on SKY movies channel this afternoon. One phrase in the show struck me. "...you always have this fairytale in your head and when it doesn't happen, you can't deal with it..." Something along that line. I think I'm also such a person. I like to dream and I always dream the most perfect fairytale. I like to paint a wonderful picture of everything that surrounds me. I wanted to be that someone, to have that something, etc etc... But the truth is... You don't always get what you dream about. And I can't deal with that. Of course, you would continue to strive towards that dream of yours but sometimes its just beyond your capacity. And then you start settling for second best? Now... that doesn't sound right. I think one should not settle for second best. It's All or Nothing...isn't it?
I always dreamt to have a beautiful wedding...a fairytale wedding. I think that's one of the most defining moments of one's life. The start of a brand new chapter, a new beginning of another exciting life together. But that's the extent to what I dream about. I don't have details about how beautiful my wedding would be. It will just be b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l. Something that's beyond words, beyond any description. It is just a feeling, you know it when it comes. How silly isn't it?
When all the wedding preparation started, I began to think hard of what I want... What's in the fairytale that I have been dreaming about? It didn't drop from the sky. I bought magazines and checked the internet for references. Everything in the magazines looks so fabulous but sadly you can't put everything together!! It would really look hideous wouldn't it? Its tough to make such decisions! And then it slowly comes together piece by piece.
I'm not joking when I say I had several nightmares of the wedding. I don't know why but I guess I was too stressed and worried too much that things would not run smoothly. It's just the mild perfectionist in me. But there was one nightmare that made me pretty happy. In it, everything was chaotic except for one thing - my hair! It was beautiful! And you know who styled it? My dearest grandma! This particular nightmare made me smile. When my sis and I were young, she was the one who always styled our hair to make us look like princesses, be it ponytails, plaits or buns. I miss her so much...and wish she was still around to witness my wedding. I guess she's in a better place now...perhaps she has a better view of all of us from up above. :p
I always dreamt to have a beautiful wedding...a fairytale wedding. I think that's one of the most defining moments of one's life. The start of a brand new chapter, a new beginning of another exciting life together. But that's the extent to what I dream about. I don't have details about how beautiful my wedding would be. It will just be b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l. Something that's beyond words, beyond any description. It is just a feeling, you know it when it comes. How silly isn't it?
When all the wedding preparation started, I began to think hard of what I want... What's in the fairytale that I have been dreaming about? It didn't drop from the sky. I bought magazines and checked the internet for references. Everything in the magazines looks so fabulous but sadly you can't put everything together!! It would really look hideous wouldn't it? Its tough to make such decisions! And then it slowly comes together piece by piece.
I'm not joking when I say I had several nightmares of the wedding. I don't know why but I guess I was too stressed and worried too much that things would not run smoothly. It's just the mild perfectionist in me. But there was one nightmare that made me pretty happy. In it, everything was chaotic except for one thing - my hair! It was beautiful! And you know who styled it? My dearest grandma! This particular nightmare made me smile. When my sis and I were young, she was the one who always styled our hair to make us look like princesses, be it ponytails, plaits or buns. I miss her so much...and wish she was still around to witness my wedding. I guess she's in a better place now...perhaps she has a better view of all of us from up above. :p
06 May 2008
:: Am i missing out or are you missing out? ::
As what the title of this entry clearly spells out, I wonder if I'm missing out stuff in Singapore or my family and friends are missing out stuff here, especially there's alot of going-on with the wedding preparation.
No doubt I'm not surrounded by the oh-so familiar people and environment, but I realised it is sufficient for me, with him just by my side. It has been a great time, slowly discovering each other queer queer living habits. Pointing it out loud to each other and promising to compromise to make us more comfortable...has been rather easy. Oh wait, i think i'm the one complaining the most. keke. He does not have much complaints. Hmm...I think i'm too good for him to make noise? lol. Nah, he's just very easy going and take things at his stride. Seldom does he get angry at all. But when he does get a little agitated (coz I like to push my luck), I'll chicken out. I know I'm pushing it. And then when i asked if he is angry with me, he's never said he was. The most i get from him was "mildly irritated" according to him.
Well, I guess after what he has been through in his past, he has learned to control his emotions TOO well. He learned not to get angry but when he really does, he roars, which, according to him has never really happened in recent years. He learned not to dwell in his emotions too much just in case he falls back to that state again if he is not careful. Hence, he is very cautious with his emotions.
He may seem nonchalant on the outside at times (and often misunderstood, oops!), but he is going through a lot in his mind. I didn't really find out until one day I was really pissed coz there's so much wedding preparation to do and I didn't really see him doing anything. So that was the first time i raised my voice at him. He listened to whatever I said and agreed to do whatever I wanted him to do. I thought it finally got through his head. But I looked at him quietly for a minute. I felt as though I have wronged him. So I asked him to speak up. Well, I found that that he just works differently from me. But that doesn't mean he's not working on it. So why doesn't he speak up and tell me that I've misunderstood him? I guess he just wants to make me happy by doing things MY way. I'm a little tyrant eh? >.<
On a side note, it just amazed me how I find 24 hours a day is just not enough. I think I'm working towards to becoming a successful professional bummer! I find each day passes so quickly even when I'm not doing anything!! Okay, i admit for the past week i have been hooked on my game. And the reason why I am writing this blog entry is because it is server maintenance day every Tuesday and this means i can't play until evening!! I want to level my character quickly so i can play with my friends at the same level. It has now become an addiction. Helllppp!!!
Of course, from time to time, what also keeps me busy is the wedding preparation. From sending emails to my bridesmaids to fitting the gowns to finding good deals from suppliers, discussing on the collaterals and finding on-site locations for photo shoots. There's a lotsa stuff to do! It is at times like this you wish you have your family and friends around to share your happiness and fun and giving you their honest opinions while making all these preps.
Thankfully, Jenn was here for a couple of days, I was able to indulge in those moments for a while. She has been a great help, my moral supporter, my trusted confidante, even when she's far far away...flying across different countries every now and then. I appreciate that and couldn't be more thankful. (just as i finished writing, Jenn said she might be coming to visit again!! yay!! my sweetheart!!)
No doubt I'm not surrounded by the oh-so familiar people and environment, but I realised it is sufficient for me, with him just by my side. It has been a great time, slowly discovering each other queer queer living habits. Pointing it out loud to each other and promising to compromise to make us more comfortable...has been rather easy. Oh wait, i think i'm the one complaining the most. keke. He does not have much complaints. Hmm...I think i'm too good for him to make noise? lol. Nah, he's just very easy going and take things at his stride. Seldom does he get angry at all. But when he does get a little agitated (coz I like to push my luck), I'll chicken out. I know I'm pushing it. And then when i asked if he is angry with me, he's never said he was. The most i get from him was "mildly irritated" according to him.
Well, I guess after what he has been through in his past, he has learned to control his emotions TOO well. He learned not to get angry but when he really does, he roars, which, according to him has never really happened in recent years. He learned not to dwell in his emotions too much just in case he falls back to that state again if he is not careful. Hence, he is very cautious with his emotions.
He may seem nonchalant on the outside at times (and often misunderstood, oops!), but he is going through a lot in his mind. I didn't really find out until one day I was really pissed coz there's so much wedding preparation to do and I didn't really see him doing anything. So that was the first time i raised my voice at him. He listened to whatever I said and agreed to do whatever I wanted him to do. I thought it finally got through his head. But I looked at him quietly for a minute. I felt as though I have wronged him. So I asked him to speak up. Well, I found that that he just works differently from me. But that doesn't mean he's not working on it. So why doesn't he speak up and tell me that I've misunderstood him? I guess he just wants to make me happy by doing things MY way. I'm a little tyrant eh? >.<
On a side note, it just amazed me how I find 24 hours a day is just not enough. I think I'm working towards to becoming a successful professional bummer! I find each day passes so quickly even when I'm not doing anything!! Okay, i admit for the past week i have been hooked on my game. And the reason why I am writing this blog entry is because it is server maintenance day every Tuesday and this means i can't play until evening!! I want to level my character quickly so i can play with my friends at the same level. It has now become an addiction. Helllppp!!!
Of course, from time to time, what also keeps me busy is the wedding preparation. From sending emails to my bridesmaids to fitting the gowns to finding good deals from suppliers, discussing on the collaterals and finding on-site locations for photo shoots. There's a lotsa stuff to do! It is at times like this you wish you have your family and friends around to share your happiness and fun and giving you their honest opinions while making all these preps.
Thankfully, Jenn was here for a couple of days, I was able to indulge in those moments for a while. She has been a great help, my moral supporter, my trusted confidante, even when she's far far away...flying across different countries every now and then. I appreciate that and couldn't be more thankful. (just as i finished writing, Jenn said she might be coming to visit again!! yay!! my sweetheart!!)
02 April 2008
:: UK ::
Hello!!
Greetings from the United Kingdom!
I have been here for only slightly more than a month. And I'm slowly settling in.
Things have been fine so far, and I'm glad it turns out pretty well. That is to say, no major arguments or quarrels, or any other weird things I thought I have to put up coz we're living under the same roof.
In case u all are wondering, I wasn't really shaking my legs here in UK. I was rather busy you know! Ya ya ya, i know you all must be wondering, just what on god's green earth am i busy with? Well, here's a quick summary of what I had been doing for the past month.
1st week: The first days were spent cleaning the room, re-arranging the furniture,
bought more racks for my clothes, unpacking my luggages, and not forgetting
trying to adjust to the time zone. My friends and family would be flying
over in a weeks' time so I was also busy with researching on places to go,
booking tickets, settling logistics. My folks and I would be going to prague
and so I had to research more on that and since it is a free and easy thing,
I had to provide my folks with the information on the places we are gonna
visit in CHINESE.
4 days later: Daniel and friend came over from Frankfurt. It was really nice of them
to fly up to visit me and I'm glad to have made a new friend! We toured
around London, and simply hang around at home.
We had barbeque one night at our backyard. The weather was cold
especially when the sun sets! The place was made warmer by this fire pit
in the middle of the table. It was nice and cosy. We ate, drink and did
some catching up with one another. We even had a surprise birthday cake
(baked by me and Krumbs!) for Jason! Love the smile on someone's face
when he/she was given a surprise!! Priceless!
And then we played some games and had more drinks till Jason konked out.
kekeke!
2 days later: My folks, sis and cousin flew over from Singapore for about 1.5 weeks.
I showed them around the house, my home in UK for now. Though Bran and
my folks can't communicate fluently coz my folks can't speak English
well, they got along fine! I remembered one night Bran came home a
little tipsy from his regular pub drinks, he kept talking to my dad
about german language as Bran knows a little German. It was a funny
scene coz it seems like one was teaching the other German when they both
don't understand each other. And my dad was trapped coz everyone wasn't
around and he can't possibly stand up and leave Bran there in the middle
of a conversation. Ha.
We toured London too. It was not a very comfortable experience coz it
was bloody cold with strong winds! I pitied my dad, sis and cousin who
had to brave the cold and wind while sitting on the open top of The Big
Bus Sightseeing Tour around London.
Then, off we went to Prague for 3 days. We (excluding my mum coz she
prefers sceneries) were awed by the historical buildings especially the
Saint Vitus Cathedral sitting on top of the Prague Castle. The
historical architecture all around the city is what makes it unique.
When walking around the city, an ancient feel seems to be still
lingering around. You could imagine how it was like a few hundred
years ago...
The experience in Prague could have been way better if not for the fact
that my dad was pick-pocketed on the very next morning. He lost his
wallet and 2 of our passports. I was so angry and you can hear me
cursing and swearing on the tram. Well, i guessed it can't helped
especially when we were already targeted right at the beginning at the
tram stop. 3 big guys followed us up to the tram and tried to sandwich
my dad. My sis immediately felt something was wrong and quickly took the
bag which my dad was holding and turned her back away. My dad was still
in between them when one pretended to be friendly and offered to help us
to stamp the tickets on the machine. I think that was when the other
accomplice slipped his hand into my dad's pockets and took the wallet
and 2 passports. My mum, cousin and I were just a few steps away from
them. The 3 buggers alighted at the next stop and my sis quickly asked
my dad to check our belongings. That was when he shouted that our stuff
were gone. The tram left the stop.
Then we spent half the day in police station and making calls back to Sg
and UK. Thanks to Krumbs and his aunt help, we manage to find the
General Consulate of Singapore and successfully got the paper work done
quickly. So we flew back to UK safely. I think I will not go back there
again.
After we came back from Prague, we decided to drive up north (about 6
hours drive) to Lake District where there is lotsa sceneries for my mum.
Coz you see, my dad loves history, my mum enjoys sceneries. So the first
half of the holiday my mum did not really enjoy. Krumbs booked an
excellent hotel with great view and all of us, including Bran and
Krumb's mum enjoyed ourselves. We had a few walks...went to a waterfall,
climbed to the top of a hill and walked around the town.
This is where Krumbs proposed too. Right in front of the lake, just the
two of us.
I did not think I would be embarrassed but I was!! And I forgot whether I
said yes. hahaha... but i did take the ring. Kekeke.
Then we broke the news to my folks!
I would go back to Lake District during summer.
And so, Lake District was the last stop. They went back to Singapore the
next day. I was sad that they had to leave so soon but I'm glad i have
shared with them what's in my life now. My folks and I weeped a little as
we bade goodbye. Then i smsed a "I love u all" before they boarded
the plane.
4th week to now: So as you can see, I did not have the time to settle in properly
after I came to UK. I was busy running around! kekeke...
For those who miss my kukuness and my great look, hope this satisfies you! BLEAH!!!
Greetings from the United Kingdom!
I have been here for only slightly more than a month. And I'm slowly settling in.
Things have been fine so far, and I'm glad it turns out pretty well. That is to say, no major arguments or quarrels, or any other weird things I thought I have to put up coz we're living under the same roof.
In case u all are wondering, I wasn't really shaking my legs here in UK. I was rather busy you know! Ya ya ya, i know you all must be wondering, just what on god's green earth am i busy with? Well, here's a quick summary of what I had been doing for the past month.
1st week: The first days were spent cleaning the room, re-arranging the furniture,
bought more racks for my clothes, unpacking my luggages, and not forgetting
trying to adjust to the time zone. My friends and family would be flying
over in a weeks' time so I was also busy with researching on places to go,
booking tickets, settling logistics. My folks and I would be going to prague
and so I had to research more on that and since it is a free and easy thing,
I had to provide my folks with the information on the places we are gonna
visit in CHINESE.
4 days later: Daniel and friend came over from Frankfurt. It was really nice of them
to fly up to visit me and I'm glad to have made a new friend! We toured
around London, and simply hang around at home.
We had barbeque one night at our backyard. The weather was cold
especially when the sun sets! The place was made warmer by this fire pit
in the middle of the table. It was nice and cosy. We ate, drink and did
some catching up with one another. We even had a surprise birthday cake
(baked by me and Krumbs!) for Jason! Love the smile on someone's face
when he/she was given a surprise!! Priceless!
And then we played some games and had more drinks till Jason konked out.
kekeke!
2 days later: My folks, sis and cousin flew over from Singapore for about 1.5 weeks.
I showed them around the house, my home in UK for now. Though Bran and
my folks can't communicate fluently coz my folks can't speak English
well, they got along fine! I remembered one night Bran came home a
little tipsy from his regular pub drinks, he kept talking to my dad
about german language as Bran knows a little German. It was a funny
scene coz it seems like one was teaching the other German when they both
don't understand each other. And my dad was trapped coz everyone wasn't
around and he can't possibly stand up and leave Bran there in the middle
of a conversation. Ha.
We toured London too. It was not a very comfortable experience coz it
was bloody cold with strong winds! I pitied my dad, sis and cousin who
had to brave the cold and wind while sitting on the open top of The Big
Bus Sightseeing Tour around London.
Then, off we went to Prague for 3 days. We (excluding my mum coz she
prefers sceneries) were awed by the historical buildings especially the
Saint Vitus Cathedral sitting on top of the Prague Castle. The
historical architecture all around the city is what makes it unique.
When walking around the city, an ancient feel seems to be still
lingering around. You could imagine how it was like a few hundred
years ago...
The experience in Prague could have been way better if not for the fact
that my dad was pick-pocketed on the very next morning. He lost his
wallet and 2 of our passports. I was so angry and you can hear me
cursing and swearing on the tram. Well, i guessed it can't helped
especially when we were already targeted right at the beginning at the
tram stop. 3 big guys followed us up to the tram and tried to sandwich
my dad. My sis immediately felt something was wrong and quickly took the
bag which my dad was holding and turned her back away. My dad was still
in between them when one pretended to be friendly and offered to help us
to stamp the tickets on the machine. I think that was when the other
accomplice slipped his hand into my dad's pockets and took the wallet
and 2 passports. My mum, cousin and I were just a few steps away from
them. The 3 buggers alighted at the next stop and my sis quickly asked
my dad to check our belongings. That was when he shouted that our stuff
were gone. The tram left the stop.
Then we spent half the day in police station and making calls back to Sg
and UK. Thanks to Krumbs and his aunt help, we manage to find the
General Consulate of Singapore and successfully got the paper work done
quickly. So we flew back to UK safely. I think I will not go back there
again.
After we came back from Prague, we decided to drive up north (about 6
hours drive) to Lake District where there is lotsa sceneries for my mum.
Coz you see, my dad loves history, my mum enjoys sceneries. So the first
half of the holiday my mum did not really enjoy. Krumbs booked an
excellent hotel with great view and all of us, including Bran and
Krumb's mum enjoyed ourselves. We had a few walks...went to a waterfall,
climbed to the top of a hill and walked around the town.
This is where Krumbs proposed too. Right in front of the lake, just the
two of us.
I did not think I would be embarrassed but I was!! And I forgot whether I
said yes. hahaha... but i did take the ring. Kekeke.
Then we broke the news to my folks!
I would go back to Lake District during summer.
And so, Lake District was the last stop. They went back to Singapore the
next day. I was sad that they had to leave so soon but I'm glad i have
shared with them what's in my life now. My folks and I weeped a little as
we bade goodbye. Then i smsed a "I love u all" before they boarded
the plane.
4th week to now: So as you can see, I did not have the time to settle in properly
after I came to UK. I was busy running around! kekeke...
For those who miss my kukuness and my great look, hope this satisfies you! BLEAH!!!
19 January 2008
:: melancholic ::
Well, 2008 has come and 2007 has passed in a blink of an eye. Its amazing how time flies. I remember when I was younger, I always imagine how I'll be like when I am 25, 26, 27... This year I'm gonna be 28. And I'm no way near what I had imagined myself to be. :) Though that doesn't mean a bad thing.
I had imagined myself, at this age, to be someone who is already experienced in my area of work. But I am not. In fact, I had just started working not very long ago and my experience? A mere 2.5 years. However, I am not complaining coz I didn't regret the path I've chosen, the decisions I had made that made me where I am today.
I am contented I chose to leave Junior College after a year there and made my way to Singapore Polytechnic. I really did enjoyed my days in Poly, in fact I was happier. It was almost carefree. Now that I think back, there were several childish moments and its nice to have such fond memories. Had I not decided to go SP, I wouldn't have met my good friend, who has been with me all the way to university and went through the ups and downs with me all these years. Also, the good friends I made in university, the stockholm exchange and the Youth Expedition Project that followed. I guess everything happen for a reason eh?
Not that I regretted leaving JC. At least that's where I met him and knew what love is. Hahaha. Lame.
Well, I had thought I would be someone working in the office, who dresses in smart suits or pretty office wear, carrying a briefcase, working hard and climbing up the corporate ladder, carving out a career out there in the corporate world.
But HELL no. I was wearing a uniform. A uniform that the world recognizes (eerr..at least most of the world, some asked if we were from thai or msia airlines). A uniform that not only represents the company but the fine country that I live in. I may be just a tiny fraction of the large pool of crew, but I'm proud to say I was once part of the Singapore Girl, part of the "Great way to fly". :p I do not carry any briefcase but I carry luggages. I do not climb the corporate ladder but I walk. I walked from Singapore to London, Singapore to Sydney, Singapore to Shanghai, etc. kekeke.
I remember I hesitated to sign the contract as they broke the news to me that I've been chosen. There were many factors I needed to consider. In the end, the main reason that stood out was "I can only do this when I am young." So there. I flew for a while and have at least fulfilled one of my goals: Travel around the world!
Talking about youth, before I left the airline, there were many new crew who joined. Not only are they new, they are freaking young. Can you imagine someone at the age of 19, 20 or 21??? I couldn't believe my ear when I overheard a crew telling the other that she was born in 1987 or 1988. I turned around and went "WHAT?!" All right, I have to admit I'm getting older by the days. Generation gap exist!!!! haha.
When I was teenager, I thought that I'll get married by the age of 26. Bare in mind that 26 was already considered a little late at that point in time. Look! I'm way past 26 and...no way near married.
Age is just a figure, isn't it? Maybe when I say this, many of you would laugh at me but I just don't feel like I'm 28 at all! I feel as though I'm still like 24, 25ish. (hey, some crew did think that I was 24 and were in shock when I told them my age. hahaha. okie i have brag enough)
Now that a new year has come, I certainly hope it would be a better year than the last. 2007 was a little painful to begin with. Losing someone you love and knowing that you did not cherish enough and could have done better, was a little too much to deal with. The pain is still there and the wound still feels fresh. And all i can hold on to are the fond memories of her and the painful lesson learnt.
Sometimes we talked as if she is still around. "Ask nai nai to alter for you lor" my mum would said when I asked her to help me alter my clothes coz it was always my grandma who helped us to alter clothes. My heart aches everytime I hear such words. "okay, then I'll burn this for her and hope she'll receive" I would laughed it off to ease the pain. Sometimes we will go "haiz, if nai nai is around, it wouldn't be like this....she would have done this...done that..."
Yesterday we went for the prayer session as it was the one-year anniversary. Got a little melancholic and I kept telling myself not to think in order not to wet my eyes. My cousin told me there was once my aunty called my nai nai's house at about 12pm, the time she will always call when my grandma's still around. Coincidentally, my cousin picked up the phone and my aunty's heart almost jumped coz at that moment in time, she thought it was actually my nai nai. You see, everyone misses her and wishes she had never gone.
Well, I guess shit happens but life still goes on. I can either have myself indulge in sorrow or climb out of it and make sure I would never do the same again. I think I choose the latter. Regret is one thing that I can't handle well. I have her as my role model in my heart and I'll try to be the woman that she was when she was alive. I may not be as great as her but i would certainly try my best.
In one month's time, I will be away for a while. I hope all will be good.
I do not know for sure if that is a right decision as my heart still feel a little unease. As much as I would love to take a break, enjoy a little English life, be by krumb's side, I am worried about things at home. I would be home sick. I would miss my parents, the pointless arguments i have with sister, the company of friends.
I know it is a good opportunity for me to explore out there and see if i can find any work. It'll do good for my future. However, the thought of being so far away from home just makes me a little uneasy. I would still go ahead with the plan, rest assured. Guess I'm just being worrisome? It will be only half a year and hopefully, nothing will happen at home.
***********************
I went for the annual MRI and holter test in December. The result was out and I was there to see my doc last week. The results showed the same thing. It is still not confirm I have ARVD coz I merely fulfill the minor criteria or rather I seem to be at the early stages of ARVD. I asked the doc if it will worsen as time pass, but doc replied that there is no definite answer. It may worsen or it may not happen in my life time at all. Hence, the need to go for an annual mri check as he wants to monitor closely.
But what is confirmed is that I have PVC(Premature Ventricular Contractions) and an abnormal heart. PVC coupled with an abnormal heart would be potentially life threatening. I really do not feel like taking the medication for PVC but my doc said he is not comfortable with me not taking any medication especially when my PVC rate is very high. Guess I just have to eat this time.... Hey, i have to take every 12 hour everyday leh!!!!! and the pills are so expensive... :'( My brother is also taking another kind of pill for his heart condition and he advised me to eat the medicine. I may not think the medicine does anything for now but over time, it could potentially save my life if one day it should happen. So it is up to me whether I want to take that risk.
Doc also told me that there is a decrease in the functionality of the left chamber of my heart, from 54% last year to 49%. I was told that a normal person would be about 60%. However, some of the decrease could also be due to the measurement error during the mri test as my high PVC prevents it from taking the images accurately. Well, he said he can't say that there is a substantial progression but there is a certainly a progression. Hmm... I think what he meant was there is a progression towards deteriotion of my heart??
I wondered if what I have could be another kind of heart condition instead of ARVD. The doctor replied "The MRI basically tells the whole story." hmm..okay, i could be a potential ARVD patient then.. Or am I already one???
Anyway, if one day i should collapse and my heart stop beating, I hope my friends would be able to revive me using CPR. So peeps, please go and learn this might-potentially-save-val's-life skill!!! Oh, if one day i should faint for no reason, I need to go hospital and inform my doc too. Peeps, his name card is inside my wallet. Hahahhaa...
And if one day I should go suddenly......
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!
All right people, stay healthy.
I had imagined myself, at this age, to be someone who is already experienced in my area of work. But I am not. In fact, I had just started working not very long ago and my experience? A mere 2.5 years. However, I am not complaining coz I didn't regret the path I've chosen, the decisions I had made that made me where I am today.
I am contented I chose to leave Junior College after a year there and made my way to Singapore Polytechnic. I really did enjoyed my days in Poly, in fact I was happier. It was almost carefree. Now that I think back, there were several childish moments and its nice to have such fond memories. Had I not decided to go SP, I wouldn't have met my good friend, who has been with me all the way to university and went through the ups and downs with me all these years. Also, the good friends I made in university, the stockholm exchange and the Youth Expedition Project that followed. I guess everything happen for a reason eh?
Not that I regretted leaving JC. At least that's where I met him and knew what love is. Hahaha. Lame.
Well, I had thought I would be someone working in the office, who dresses in smart suits or pretty office wear, carrying a briefcase, working hard and climbing up the corporate ladder, carving out a career out there in the corporate world.
But HELL no. I was wearing a uniform. A uniform that the world recognizes (eerr..at least most of the world, some asked if we were from thai or msia airlines). A uniform that not only represents the company but the fine country that I live in. I may be just a tiny fraction of the large pool of crew, but I'm proud to say I was once part of the Singapore Girl, part of the "Great way to fly". :p I do not carry any briefcase but I carry luggages. I do not climb the corporate ladder but I walk. I walked from Singapore to London, Singapore to Sydney, Singapore to Shanghai, etc. kekeke.
I remember I hesitated to sign the contract as they broke the news to me that I've been chosen. There were many factors I needed to consider. In the end, the main reason that stood out was "I can only do this when I am young." So there. I flew for a while and have at least fulfilled one of my goals: Travel around the world!
Talking about youth, before I left the airline, there were many new crew who joined. Not only are they new, they are freaking young. Can you imagine someone at the age of 19, 20 or 21??? I couldn't believe my ear when I overheard a crew telling the other that she was born in 1987 or 1988. I turned around and went "WHAT?!" All right, I have to admit I'm getting older by the days. Generation gap exist!!!! haha.
When I was teenager, I thought that I'll get married by the age of 26. Bare in mind that 26 was already considered a little late at that point in time. Look! I'm way past 26 and...no way near married.
Age is just a figure, isn't it? Maybe when I say this, many of you would laugh at me but I just don't feel like I'm 28 at all! I feel as though I'm still like 24, 25ish. (hey, some crew did think that I was 24 and were in shock when I told them my age. hahaha. okie i have brag enough)
Now that a new year has come, I certainly hope it would be a better year than the last. 2007 was a little painful to begin with. Losing someone you love and knowing that you did not cherish enough and could have done better, was a little too much to deal with. The pain is still there and the wound still feels fresh. And all i can hold on to are the fond memories of her and the painful lesson learnt.
Sometimes we talked as if she is still around. "Ask nai nai to alter for you lor" my mum would said when I asked her to help me alter my clothes coz it was always my grandma who helped us to alter clothes. My heart aches everytime I hear such words. "okay, then I'll burn this for her and hope she'll receive" I would laughed it off to ease the pain. Sometimes we will go "haiz, if nai nai is around, it wouldn't be like this....she would have done this...done that..."
Yesterday we went for the prayer session as it was the one-year anniversary. Got a little melancholic and I kept telling myself not to think in order not to wet my eyes. My cousin told me there was once my aunty called my nai nai's house at about 12pm, the time she will always call when my grandma's still around. Coincidentally, my cousin picked up the phone and my aunty's heart almost jumped coz at that moment in time, she thought it was actually my nai nai. You see, everyone misses her and wishes she had never gone.
Well, I guess shit happens but life still goes on. I can either have myself indulge in sorrow or climb out of it and make sure I would never do the same again. I think I choose the latter. Regret is one thing that I can't handle well. I have her as my role model in my heart and I'll try to be the woman that she was when she was alive. I may not be as great as her but i would certainly try my best.
In one month's time, I will be away for a while. I hope all will be good.
I do not know for sure if that is a right decision as my heart still feel a little unease. As much as I would love to take a break, enjoy a little English life, be by krumb's side, I am worried about things at home. I would be home sick. I would miss my parents, the pointless arguments i have with sister, the company of friends.
I know it is a good opportunity for me to explore out there and see if i can find any work. It'll do good for my future. However, the thought of being so far away from home just makes me a little uneasy. I would still go ahead with the plan, rest assured. Guess I'm just being worrisome? It will be only half a year and hopefully, nothing will happen at home.
***********************
I went for the annual MRI and holter test in December. The result was out and I was there to see my doc last week. The results showed the same thing. It is still not confirm I have ARVD coz I merely fulfill the minor criteria or rather I seem to be at the early stages of ARVD. I asked the doc if it will worsen as time pass, but doc replied that there is no definite answer. It may worsen or it may not happen in my life time at all. Hence, the need to go for an annual mri check as he wants to monitor closely.
But what is confirmed is that I have PVC(Premature Ventricular Contractions) and an abnormal heart. PVC coupled with an abnormal heart would be potentially life threatening. I really do not feel like taking the medication for PVC but my doc said he is not comfortable with me not taking any medication especially when my PVC rate is very high. Guess I just have to eat this time.... Hey, i have to take every 12 hour everyday leh!!!!! and the pills are so expensive... :'( My brother is also taking another kind of pill for his heart condition and he advised me to eat the medicine. I may not think the medicine does anything for now but over time, it could potentially save my life if one day it should happen. So it is up to me whether I want to take that risk.
Doc also told me that there is a decrease in the functionality of the left chamber of my heart, from 54% last year to 49%. I was told that a normal person would be about 60%. However, some of the decrease could also be due to the measurement error during the mri test as my high PVC prevents it from taking the images accurately. Well, he said he can't say that there is a substantial progression but there is a certainly a progression. Hmm... I think what he meant was there is a progression towards deteriotion of my heart??
I wondered if what I have could be another kind of heart condition instead of ARVD. The doctor replied "The MRI basically tells the whole story." hmm..okay, i could be a potential ARVD patient then.. Or am I already one???
Anyway, if one day i should collapse and my heart stop beating, I hope my friends would be able to revive me using CPR. So peeps, please go and learn this might-potentially-save-val's-life skill!!! Oh, if one day i should faint for no reason, I need to go hospital and inform my doc too. Peeps, his name card is inside my wallet. Hahahhaa...
And if one day I should go suddenly......
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!
All right people, stay healthy.
10 December 2007
:: 5 years later (or is it 6?) ::
I met up with Pete just yesterday and he hasn't changed much after all these years. Hmm... Haven't seen him since I entered university, which was probably 5 years ago....?
Nope, he hasn't change much though he claimed he has put on weight but i think its fine! I still remember I used to call him monster pete coz he resembles the monster in monster inc movie...big and cuddly!! I like!!! Haha..such endearing name.
Yes, we updated each other of the happenings the past few years.
Chatting with him yesterday (after being apart for so many years) on a nice breezy saturday afternoon, was really nice. It didn't take us, or rather, me, much time to feel comfortable.
Yes, it does bring back some memories. Some fond memories that I would never forget.
I should not have done what I did last time but ah well... Wisdom comes easily on the hindsight. I guess we did what he thought was best for me. Such selfless guy.
He's really a great guy and I wish him well.
Nope, he hasn't change much though he claimed he has put on weight but i think its fine! I still remember I used to call him monster pete coz he resembles the monster in monster inc movie...big and cuddly!! I like!!! Haha..such endearing name.
Yes, we updated each other of the happenings the past few years.
Chatting with him yesterday (after being apart for so many years) on a nice breezy saturday afternoon, was really nice. It didn't take us, or rather, me, much time to feel comfortable.
Yes, it does bring back some memories. Some fond memories that I would never forget.
I should not have done what I did last time but ah well... Wisdom comes easily on the hindsight. I guess we did what he thought was best for me. Such selfless guy.
He's really a great guy and I wish him well.
07 November 2007
:: self worth ::
What is self worth?
Does the environment and external factors dictate self worth or does it come within oneself?
Am i thinking too much into things and had myself fooled?
Or have I indulge myself in self pity too much and I can't get out of it.
Do I actually possess the things I think I have?
Are the people around me whoever I think they are?
Am I losing myself? Am I fading away?
Does the environment and external factors dictate self worth or does it come within oneself?
Am i thinking too much into things and had myself fooled?
Or have I indulge myself in self pity too much and I can't get out of it.
Do I actually possess the things I think I have?
Are the people around me whoever I think they are?
Am I losing myself? Am I fading away?
:: Beautiful Seed ::
"I think that a seed is a wonderful metaphor for our lives. We are all like seeds. Seeds grow unseen in the soil and then sprout, and some seed become the biggest, most majestic trees and others grow to eventually bear wonderful fruit, and yet others, grow to provide shade. We are like trees. When we are in our mother's womb, no one can see us growing, but we are there. And all the potential for our lives is present in that moment, small as we are at that point in our lives, we are who we are now because of what we've gone through. And just knowing that, makes me sad to read about the increasing numbers of abortions that occur. People have forgotten that all the potential for life comes from something small, seemingly insignificant, seemingly lifeless."
~ Corrinne May~
Just bought Corrinne May's latest album "Beautiful Seed" after I heard one of her songs over the radio.
Her lyrics were really beautiful and very meaningful.
Two of my fave songs from the album:
1. Shelter
"Friends support and help each other through difficult times. This song is about friendship.
It is a song to a friend to tell her that I will be here for her through the difficulty she is going through. All she has to do is call me and I will help her in whatever way I can."
Lyrics:
What's wrong, whats getting you down
Is it something I might have said?
You're walking around
with your head to the ground
and your eyes are watery red
I know you've been through tough times
Kicked around, thrown to the ground
but you've always been the strong one
So don't tell me that nobody gets you
'cause I'm standing in your corner
Knocking at your door
You don't have to be alone
Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend
We share a bond
You and I we belong
We're like coffee and morning trains
You strip my defenses
I catch your pretenses
The same blood runs through our veins
I swore I'd be your lifeline
Made a vow that I'd surround you with love at every milestone
I'll listen when nobody gets you
I'm still standing in your corner
Waiting by your door
You don't have to be alone
Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend
It was not too long ago
You sought to understand
You helped me mend
Remember when
So promise me you'll
Call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let my be your shelter my friend
2. Beautiful Seed
"I think people often forget how the smallest, most seemingly insignificant things can have such beautiful possibilities. All it takes is one person to make a difference in this world. People like Mother Teresa, Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. testify to this fact. But often, we are so afraid to try, to speak up, or to make a difference."
Lyrics:
You can fill the darkness
With just one flash of light
Break the silence with just one word
One definance starts a revolution
One life can save the world
On the steps of Washington
Sprinkled like confetti
Thousands of people sing
"we shall overcome"
The preacher shouts
"Let freedom ring"
He gave his life for what he believed.
You can be a witness
You can be a prophet
You can make the whole world believe
Break the strongest fortress
Change the way the world thinks
You can build a bridge where foes can meet
Hope for the future
Shout it, don't whisper
Dreams are what we make them to be
There is hope in every heartbeat
Tiny as it seems
You're a beautiful seed
She's a pastor daughter
She's only 16
But her heart and her belly
Are breaking at the seams
Her boyfriend blames her
He wants to pay for the doctor to wash it away
As she lays in the hospital
A christmas choir is singing
About a child in a manger
Fragile and small
"Unto us is born a Saviour"
She looks at her baby and cries
As she sings him lullaby
You can be a witness
You can be a prophet
You can make the whole world believe
Break the strongest fortress
Change the way the world thinks
You can build a bridge where foes can meet
Hope for the future
Shout it, don't whisper
Dreams are what we make them to be
There is hope in every heartbeat
Tiny as it seems
You're a beautiful seed
Every hope, every power
Lies in the heart of a seed that flowers
Interwined all across the land
We're all seeds in the maker's hands
:: Amritsar and london::
Yes, that's amritsar....
Sigh... no mood to say anything right now. Duno why and dun ask.
Seems to have things to say, yet no words seem to form.
Yea..so i decided to...just upload photos.
At krumbs' yi-ma's place...somewhere in uk.
hmm.... losing myself?
24 October 2007
:: velviie's wondering... ::
I wonder why would someone says "why is she with someone like this? can't get better meh"? when hers ain't a model too.
Is there a need for such shallow comment?
Is she saying I am stupid or he's not up to it..or both? and besides, since when does physical appearance dictates a person's character/behaviour or how good/bad a person is?
yes, we being human, are and will be attracted to beautiful things. But hey, is that all?
Appearance is what attracts you first but what continues to retain you or hold that interest is what lies beneath that surface. Yes, no?
Think about it.
Is there a need for such shallow comment?
Is she saying I am stupid or he's not up to it..or both? and besides, since when does physical appearance dictates a person's character/behaviour or how good/bad a person is?
yes, we being human, are and will be attracted to beautiful things. But hey, is that all?
Appearance is what attracts you first but what continues to retain you or hold that interest is what lies beneath that surface. Yes, no?
Think about it.
10 October 2007
:: Nostalgia ::
It was girls' night out yest. Nope, we didn't go partying and all... just a mini girl's gathering at G's house (though the owner of the house is a guy and he just went overseas for work so we borrowed his place, heehee). The girls had cooked and eaten their dinner when I went over later after my flight. I made them cooked instant noodles for me as I made my way there.
And tah dah!! My dinner was ready the moment I reached and they served me like a lil princess. Wahahaha~ ooooh i like....!!
Oh and we had glutinous rice ball soup for dessert....it was lovely!
After the ra-ra, we sat down and have a chat and updated one another with the recent happenings. Several topics came up, such as, how are Y and K coping with their LDR (Long Distance Relationship), how is YW doing with her new job and her life after the break-up, and of coz amongst all these, there are the typical questions that I would bombard Y. "How was the first kiss?", "Under what circumstances", "How did it happen?", "what else did he do..?" hahaha...well, it didn't help when she was shy about it. I have to do the digging right? Heh.
As we chat further, I was reminded of the past. How the past events has shaped me and how certain people have made me who I am today. I would never forget E for he was my first love and though we did had many unhappy arguments after we broke up, we shared many many fond memories. He was the first one who made me feel so loved and showed me what love is. And it was these lovely memories during the times when we were together that strives me to find someone who can make me feel the same way again.
But he is also the same person who brought me down to the darkest days of my life. He slapped me and yes though I feel angry but what I learned from there is I would never ever ever let another guy treat me that way again. I comtemplated suicide. Never EVER before did I think I would be so stupid. I don't know why but that thought just came to me. I tried to but I stopped myself in time. And when he knew about it, he merely laughed and said the most hurtful words I ever heard "Hahaha, why didn't u cut deeper? hahahaha..pls lah I know you don't dare to do it." From that moment on, I woke up and realised how fucking silly I was. I WILL NEVER do that again.
I often wonder how someone can be such a sweet angel when we were together and yet a devil when it was over.
You may think it would be easy to get over this kind of person. It took me a long time. 2 years...maybe? It was a struggle inside me. One part of me missed him like crazy and wished we could be like before. I would go back to the places where we used to hang out. I would go back to the place where we first got together and sat there, just thinking of him and crying alone. However, the other part of me kept reminding myself how he had changed. Sometimes I would succumb to that part of me and I would smsed him and chat with him in msn. But what did I get in return? Another round of hurt and pain.
I dodged him when I was in uni. I was careful of where I was going and always keep a lookout for him. I don't know how many times had I hide behind a pillar until he was gone. I just didn't know how to face him like a normal person and I didn't want to allow myself to get into that deep shit again. Finally, I freed myself after a long while. He made me realised how love can be sweet and yet painful.
W reminds me of the guilt trip I went thru and I would never like to experience again.
P reminds me how selfless can one be. He let me know what unconditional love is. He is the living proof of the statement "If you really love a person, you would let her go and be somewhere she can be happy, with no questions asked." I don't know if I can be that selfless but would certainly try to be one.
I did not know how stubborn and persistant I was till I know A. Everyone around me advised me to let go but I held on for the longest time. I realised I can really give my 100% or even 101% for someone and would try and try until I ran out of breath, until all my energy has been drained, until I can't see any more hope.
He taught me not to be prejudiced and keep an open mind when dealing with people other than my own race.
He made me realised how many of us have misconceptions of our fellow people from other races, how wrong we are in passing our judgement on them, how wrong we are in our perception of them. I learned to be more sensitive towards this and not to be judgemental. After all, we are all the same, we are human. Isn't embracing the diversities we have more beautiful?
My good fren, C, since poly days, keeps my irrationality in check. I am such a irrational freak and she would be there to ensure I don't do anything stupid and offer me her most honest opinion. I appreciate the honesty and I cherish this friendship. We been thru the ups and downs of each other's life. I can be myself and be absolutely myself when with her. I could show my bad sides and she would take it. This friend is definitely one to keep.
I learned that that's what a true friend should be. That I can be myself, be it the good or bad sides, and she/her would be able to accept it. Kinda like boyfriend lah but of the same gender. Rather than always just show the good side of you..just so that ur friends would not have a bad impression of you. If that's the case, is it the true you that you are displaying? Or just the pretentious you? A true friend would stand by your side no matter what...i think. Even she made a bad decision after how much you have advised her against it, you would still be there to cushion her fall should she fail.
Of course I don't mean I can always throw my temper around and all and expect the other to accept. I will just be the real me with nothing to hide.
My sec sch good fren, C. She reminds me of me. Hahaha. You see, we are similar in many ways, in terms of thinkings, taste, etc. I enjoyed the times when we had fun and shared many activities together. They helped to pull myself together after E. i would say Girl Power!
Yes, I admit I did have times when I don't agree with what they had said and done. I had times when I am torn between hanging out with them or doing my school work and projects. Those were the times when I had hoped for some understanding from them. I realised it could probably be my fault too coz I didn't let them know, instead, I drifted apart and slowly, we changed and friendship faded i guess. Yes, I did fail as their friend coz I should have been honest with them. If I'm unhappy, I should have told them instead of keeping quiet about it and let myself drifted apart. But what and how should I say if I dun agree with them?
My childhood buddy, Y. She seems to know inside me out even though we seldom meet but we do keep each other updated. She reads my blog and i think she's the only one...and hey, get yourself a blog leh so i can be updated too!!! heh heh. She's the other friend who would stood by me even when I fall. I think we should meet up more often. Aarrgh, this is the part when I hate my job. Irregular timing.
Certain events made me who I am too. The Yep trip to Cambodia made me realised how fortunate we are. The innocent kids... all they wanted is to grow up quickly so that they can support their family. They cherish education and really have the desire to learn and be a useful person. Unlike in our society, children study coz they want to win their pals. The fund-raising for the trip had also let me know how kind some people's heart are. A not-so-close friend of mine approached me and expressed his interest in buying the t-shirts and notebooks when I put the sale as my subnick in the msn messenger. I was surprised coz I didn't approach him at all since I don' know him that well. I was touched by his kindness.
On the other hand, I was disappointed with some of my friends' awful remarks at that time. I do not like to force people to do things they don't like, especially this kinda charity thing. Its their own free will. I merely brought the fund-raising thing across and its really up to individual if you want to support or not. I certainly did not expect any criticism from them. They can choose not to buy or support and I wouldn't be unhappy at all, but I don't think it is nice to make those unneccessary remarks, especially coming from my own friends. I was truely hurt by those words.
Doing charity is really not easy and I would love to do my bits for the society in time to come, especially in the 3rd world countries. I'm more geared towards helping those poor kids...i would love to adopt children if i can and make a difference in their lives.
I guess I have written quite a fair bit on the recent passings of my grandad and grandma. One of my colleague's dad just passed away and whatever she was feeling, the emotions and thoughts... reminded me of what happened in the recent past and I felt the pain all over again. Up till now, I would never forget the pain of losing someone you love dearly. I would never allow myself to forget the pain, just so I would be reminded of how selfish I had been, how I missed the many chances of visiting them when I could. I would never forgive myself. And this would be the regret I have to live with for the rest of my life....
I learned to cherish and care for my family more. I just want to be around more often. I don't want to have another such regret.
And tah dah!! My dinner was ready the moment I reached and they served me like a lil princess. Wahahaha~ ooooh i like....!!
Oh and we had glutinous rice ball soup for dessert....it was lovely!
After the ra-ra, we sat down and have a chat and updated one another with the recent happenings. Several topics came up, such as, how are Y and K coping with their LDR (Long Distance Relationship), how is YW doing with her new job and her life after the break-up, and of coz amongst all these, there are the typical questions that I would bombard Y. "How was the first kiss?", "Under what circumstances", "How did it happen?", "what else did he do..?" hahaha...well, it didn't help when she was shy about it. I have to do the digging right? Heh.
As we chat further, I was reminded of the past. How the past events has shaped me and how certain people have made me who I am today. I would never forget E for he was my first love and though we did had many unhappy arguments after we broke up, we shared many many fond memories. He was the first one who made me feel so loved and showed me what love is. And it was these lovely memories during the times when we were together that strives me to find someone who can make me feel the same way again.
But he is also the same person who brought me down to the darkest days of my life. He slapped me and yes though I feel angry but what I learned from there is I would never ever ever let another guy treat me that way again. I comtemplated suicide. Never EVER before did I think I would be so stupid. I don't know why but that thought just came to me. I tried to but I stopped myself in time. And when he knew about it, he merely laughed and said the most hurtful words I ever heard "Hahaha, why didn't u cut deeper? hahahaha..pls lah I know you don't dare to do it." From that moment on, I woke up and realised how fucking silly I was. I WILL NEVER do that again.
I often wonder how someone can be such a sweet angel when we were together and yet a devil when it was over.
You may think it would be easy to get over this kind of person. It took me a long time. 2 years...maybe? It was a struggle inside me. One part of me missed him like crazy and wished we could be like before. I would go back to the places where we used to hang out. I would go back to the place where we first got together and sat there, just thinking of him and crying alone. However, the other part of me kept reminding myself how he had changed. Sometimes I would succumb to that part of me and I would smsed him and chat with him in msn. But what did I get in return? Another round of hurt and pain.
I dodged him when I was in uni. I was careful of where I was going and always keep a lookout for him. I don't know how many times had I hide behind a pillar until he was gone. I just didn't know how to face him like a normal person and I didn't want to allow myself to get into that deep shit again. Finally, I freed myself after a long while. He made me realised how love can be sweet and yet painful.
W reminds me of the guilt trip I went thru and I would never like to experience again.
P reminds me how selfless can one be. He let me know what unconditional love is. He is the living proof of the statement "If you really love a person, you would let her go and be somewhere she can be happy, with no questions asked." I don't know if I can be that selfless but would certainly try to be one.
I did not know how stubborn and persistant I was till I know A. Everyone around me advised me to let go but I held on for the longest time. I realised I can really give my 100% or even 101% for someone and would try and try until I ran out of breath, until all my energy has been drained, until I can't see any more hope.
He taught me not to be prejudiced and keep an open mind when dealing with people other than my own race.
He made me realised how many of us have misconceptions of our fellow people from other races, how wrong we are in passing our judgement on them, how wrong we are in our perception of them. I learned to be more sensitive towards this and not to be judgemental. After all, we are all the same, we are human. Isn't embracing the diversities we have more beautiful?
My good fren, C, since poly days, keeps my irrationality in check. I am such a irrational freak and she would be there to ensure I don't do anything stupid and offer me her most honest opinion. I appreciate the honesty and I cherish this friendship. We been thru the ups and downs of each other's life. I can be myself and be absolutely myself when with her. I could show my bad sides and she would take it. This friend is definitely one to keep.
I learned that that's what a true friend should be. That I can be myself, be it the good or bad sides, and she/her would be able to accept it. Kinda like boyfriend lah but of the same gender. Rather than always just show the good side of you..just so that ur friends would not have a bad impression of you. If that's the case, is it the true you that you are displaying? Or just the pretentious you? A true friend would stand by your side no matter what...i think. Even she made a bad decision after how much you have advised her against it, you would still be there to cushion her fall should she fail.
Of course I don't mean I can always throw my temper around and all and expect the other to accept. I will just be the real me with nothing to hide.
My sec sch good fren, C. She reminds me of me. Hahaha. You see, we are similar in many ways, in terms of thinkings, taste, etc. I enjoyed the times when we had fun and shared many activities together. They helped to pull myself together after E. i would say Girl Power!
Yes, I admit I did have times when I don't agree with what they had said and done. I had times when I am torn between hanging out with them or doing my school work and projects. Those were the times when I had hoped for some understanding from them. I realised it could probably be my fault too coz I didn't let them know, instead, I drifted apart and slowly, we changed and friendship faded i guess. Yes, I did fail as their friend coz I should have been honest with them. If I'm unhappy, I should have told them instead of keeping quiet about it and let myself drifted apart. But what and how should I say if I dun agree with them?
My childhood buddy, Y. She seems to know inside me out even though we seldom meet but we do keep each other updated. She reads my blog and i think she's the only one...and hey, get yourself a blog leh so i can be updated too!!! heh heh. She's the other friend who would stood by me even when I fall. I think we should meet up more often. Aarrgh, this is the part when I hate my job. Irregular timing.
Certain events made me who I am too. The Yep trip to Cambodia made me realised how fortunate we are. The innocent kids... all they wanted is to grow up quickly so that they can support their family. They cherish education and really have the desire to learn and be a useful person. Unlike in our society, children study coz they want to win their pals. The fund-raising for the trip had also let me know how kind some people's heart are. A not-so-close friend of mine approached me and expressed his interest in buying the t-shirts and notebooks when I put the sale as my subnick in the msn messenger. I was surprised coz I didn't approach him at all since I don' know him that well. I was touched by his kindness.
On the other hand, I was disappointed with some of my friends' awful remarks at that time. I do not like to force people to do things they don't like, especially this kinda charity thing. Its their own free will. I merely brought the fund-raising thing across and its really up to individual if you want to support or not. I certainly did not expect any criticism from them. They can choose not to buy or support and I wouldn't be unhappy at all, but I don't think it is nice to make those unneccessary remarks, especially coming from my own friends. I was truely hurt by those words.
Doing charity is really not easy and I would love to do my bits for the society in time to come, especially in the 3rd world countries. I'm more geared towards helping those poor kids...i would love to adopt children if i can and make a difference in their lives.
I guess I have written quite a fair bit on the recent passings of my grandad and grandma. One of my colleague's dad just passed away and whatever she was feeling, the emotions and thoughts... reminded me of what happened in the recent past and I felt the pain all over again. Up till now, I would never forget the pain of losing someone you love dearly. I would never allow myself to forget the pain, just so I would be reminded of how selfish I had been, how I missed the many chances of visiting them when I could. I would never forgive myself. And this would be the regret I have to live with for the rest of my life....
I learned to cherish and care for my family more. I just want to be around more often. I don't want to have another such regret.
29 September 2007
:: Bored Stiff ::
I'm bored in Abu Dhabi and I would be here till next thursday. *yawnz* Its a good time to catch up with my sleep though.
And perhaps practise my SEP quizes which I would be tested soon. But still...there're still lotsa time left!! Thank god there is WOW. heh heh.
Recently, it seems that there are a few of my friends leaving Singapore.
Well, Krumbs went back to London...and yea, I miss him!
Daniel, be good in Frankfurt yea... Have fun in your new job and take care! I'll visit you if I can!
Peter went back to taipei for work...
Kenji heading back to Japan... Yvonne, hang in there!
hmm... I'm looking forward to staying in London next year. But...would there be anything there for me to do?
And perhaps practise my SEP quizes which I would be tested soon. But still...there're still lotsa time left!! Thank god there is WOW. heh heh.
Recently, it seems that there are a few of my friends leaving Singapore.
Well, Krumbs went back to London...and yea, I miss him!
Daniel, be good in Frankfurt yea... Have fun in your new job and take care! I'll visit you if I can!
Peter went back to taipei for work...
Kenji heading back to Japan... Yvonne, hang in there!
hmm... I'm looking forward to staying in London next year. But...would there be anything there for me to do?
17 September 2007
:: missing a part of me ::
So I'm back in Singapoe alone now... after sending krumbs back to London.
It is only the first day and it feels weird. Feeling empty perhaps? Oh well, i guess it will be better as the days pass.
It was a good trip to london. At first, I thought the IFS would be a nasty one coz he was kinda listed as one of the top ten. I was almost contemplating not to do the london flight becasue of that. However, I decided to stay on coz I really wanna see krumbs back to London. Well, it turned out exactly the opposite! He was actually nice.. (well though he's a bit sticky on certain things but hey, i could say he's okay!) The flights up and back weren't easy though... lotsa orders and demanding people...but its worth it.
Was extremely tired after I touched down in london, had a bbq dinner with his family at his place and then I dozed off. Hmm..actually I can't exactly remember what else happened on that day coz I was walking like a zombie...
Oh oh but i do remember that his mum prepared my pyjamas, bath robe, towel and a teddy bear by his bed. So nice!!
Well, she even stock up krumbs' little fridge in his room.
Sent his mum to work the next day and along the way, we went into the Build-A-Bear store. The three of us were busy selecting the clothing for the bear which he insisted in getting. (It's bloody exp for a teddy bear!?!?) While the attendant was stuffing the bear with cotton, his mum suggested to put 2 hearts inside the bear..oh ya, and gotta make a wish first..blah blah. Hahahaha...i feel so silly. And then u know... the bear has got a name, a birth cert and even a passport which can be stamped at the immigration. And yea so Krumbsiie is born. Oh...we can't decide its gender..so tentatively its unisex. HAHAHHAHA
Drove down to central london together with Ivan for the famous Duck rice. hmm... the duck is nice but I wouldn't go back again for it simply coz its expensive when I can get it in Singapore tons cheaper and easier.
There were road diversions here and there and it took us about 2 hours to get back home (normally it would take abt an hour?). Relying on the GPS TomTom doesn't help, honey!
The next day, he sent me back to the hotel and we're just waiting for the time to say goodbye.
It was a lil difficult trying to fight back my tears, but what made it easy was that my makeup was already on. And yea, i tried to hang myself upside down by the bed so that the tears won't flow down. hahaha.
Whatever need to be said have been said. What reassurance we need have been said. I was just... sitting there, looking at him quietly, hoping time will fly pass quickly before I could see him again. And then I went on to imagine how would it be like without him in Singapore. The thought of not having him by my side, made me even sadder and I quickly abandoned that thought. I don't even wanna think about it.
************
Well, now.. at least I have lotsa free time now. Heh Heh..
Sorry my dear friends, pardon me for not spending enough time with u guys lately as we were just trying to maximise the time we had in Singapore and I asked for your understanding.
It is only the first day and it feels weird. Feeling empty perhaps? Oh well, i guess it will be better as the days pass.
It was a good trip to london. At first, I thought the IFS would be a nasty one coz he was kinda listed as one of the top ten. I was almost contemplating not to do the london flight becasue of that. However, I decided to stay on coz I really wanna see krumbs back to London. Well, it turned out exactly the opposite! He was actually nice.. (well though he's a bit sticky on certain things but hey, i could say he's okay!) The flights up and back weren't easy though... lotsa orders and demanding people...but its worth it.
Was extremely tired after I touched down in london, had a bbq dinner with his family at his place and then I dozed off. Hmm..actually I can't exactly remember what else happened on that day coz I was walking like a zombie...
Oh oh but i do remember that his mum prepared my pyjamas, bath robe, towel and a teddy bear by his bed. So nice!!
Well, she even stock up krumbs' little fridge in his room.
Sent his mum to work the next day and along the way, we went into the Build-A-Bear store. The three of us were busy selecting the clothing for the bear which he insisted in getting. (It's bloody exp for a teddy bear!?!?) While the attendant was stuffing the bear with cotton, his mum suggested to put 2 hearts inside the bear..oh ya, and gotta make a wish first..blah blah. Hahahaha...i feel so silly. And then u know... the bear has got a name, a birth cert and even a passport which can be stamped at the immigration. And yea so Krumbsiie is born. Oh...we can't decide its gender..so tentatively its unisex. HAHAHHAHA
Drove down to central london together with Ivan for the famous Duck rice. hmm... the duck is nice but I wouldn't go back again for it simply coz its expensive when I can get it in Singapore tons cheaper and easier.
There were road diversions here and there and it took us about 2 hours to get back home (normally it would take abt an hour?). Relying on the GPS TomTom doesn't help, honey!
The next day, he sent me back to the hotel and we're just waiting for the time to say goodbye.
It was a lil difficult trying to fight back my tears, but what made it easy was that my makeup was already on. And yea, i tried to hang myself upside down by the bed so that the tears won't flow down. hahaha.
Whatever need to be said have been said. What reassurance we need have been said. I was just... sitting there, looking at him quietly, hoping time will fly pass quickly before I could see him again. And then I went on to imagine how would it be like without him in Singapore. The thought of not having him by my side, made me even sadder and I quickly abandoned that thought. I don't even wanna think about it.
************
Well, now.. at least I have lotsa free time now. Heh Heh..
Sorry my dear friends, pardon me for not spending enough time with u guys lately as we were just trying to maximise the time we had in Singapore and I asked for your understanding.
08 September 2007
:: WOW ::
I blamed krumbs for my recent addiction to WOW (War of Warcraft).
But it was a nice addiction. HEH. Time flies quickly while you are at it. HA~
I even dreamt of it one night. Dreamt of my character killing creatures and levelling. haha! Nice~
****************************
Krumbs gonna head back to london next week. Hmm... having mix feeling about it.
I think I'm sure gonna feel the void while he's gone but this also means we're a step nearer to our aim. Now, that's some kind of consolation. HEH.
I'm pretty sure we're going to do just fine... as long as I've an europe flight each month? I'll try to change to london if possible or he'll come down to the europe stations where I'm at.
Sigh. From almost seeing each other everyday to possibly meeting up only once a month, it does seems like a huge deal.
But yea, we'll pull through it. We're definitely not a big fan of long-distance relationship.
I'll be on the same flight with him as he heads back next week. Feeling a bit excited about going back to his place...well, you know, different status now. heehee.
Oh, kinda feeling scared about what his mum gonna speak "seriously" to us about. Not that his mum is fierce or what. On the contrary, his mum is really open-minded and extremely friendly. I haven't really met her yet but we've been on the phone a few times...She's a supercool mum! Oh ya, and she has been seriously proposing to krumbs about buying a flat once he gets his arse back to SG next year.
Some funny conversations between them goes like this:
his mum: hey son, ask Val to quit her job and come over london with you.
krumbs: yes mum, we have been discussing about this issue...she need to work out the finance and stuff...
his mum: ask her not to worry. She's got a roof over her head, food on the table, car to drive, money to spend.....
krumbs: hmm... car?
his mum: ya...drive your car lor!
krumbs: money?
his mum: aiyah... u go and work lor!
---
his mum: So is Val coming over? Ask her to come stay for 2 years lah!
krumbs: what? no mum...
his mum: ok ok...1 year?
krumbs: no mum! 6 months!
his mum: ok ok..
---
his mum: hey, u guys very free right? Go HDB and look for flats lah.
krumbs: huh? mum!?!?! erm... where's the money?
his mum: I'll pay for the deposit lor!
----
his mum: hey son, if you are serious about each other, I think we should talk about buying a flat seriously. Why dun you and val disucss about it seriously?
krumbs: Okay mum...
his mum: dun worry about the money. I'll pay. We'll talk about this seriously when u two come back next week.
---
***********************************
While I'm still not sure if I should go ahead with the plan of going over london for 6 months, but I'm definitely gonna resign.
I guess its about time to leave the company or else you'll be stuck in it.
Yes, i may not feel confident about looking for a ground job but at the same time, I feel i should get out of that comfort zone.
There are thousands and one questions one asks me why would I want to resign when the job seems good... but I have thousands and one replies to that. Its just a matter of personal preference i guess. I dun think its a bad job.. perhaps its just not my cup of tea. After all, I knew I wouldn't stay for long.
Well, future seems to be a lil uncertain for now. Just gonna take each step at a time.
But it was a nice addiction. HEH. Time flies quickly while you are at it. HA~
I even dreamt of it one night. Dreamt of my character killing creatures and levelling. haha! Nice~
****************************
Krumbs gonna head back to london next week. Hmm... having mix feeling about it.
I think I'm sure gonna feel the void while he's gone but this also means we're a step nearer to our aim. Now, that's some kind of consolation. HEH.
I'm pretty sure we're going to do just fine... as long as I've an europe flight each month? I'll try to change to london if possible or he'll come down to the europe stations where I'm at.
Sigh. From almost seeing each other everyday to possibly meeting up only once a month, it does seems like a huge deal.
But yea, we'll pull through it. We're definitely not a big fan of long-distance relationship.
I'll be on the same flight with him as he heads back next week. Feeling a bit excited about going back to his place...well, you know, different status now. heehee.
Oh, kinda feeling scared about what his mum gonna speak "seriously" to us about. Not that his mum is fierce or what. On the contrary, his mum is really open-minded and extremely friendly. I haven't really met her yet but we've been on the phone a few times...She's a supercool mum! Oh ya, and she has been seriously proposing to krumbs about buying a flat once he gets his arse back to SG next year.
Some funny conversations between them goes like this:
his mum: hey son, ask Val to quit her job and come over london with you.
krumbs: yes mum, we have been discussing about this issue...she need to work out the finance and stuff...
his mum: ask her not to worry. She's got a roof over her head, food on the table, car to drive, money to spend.....
krumbs: hmm... car?
his mum: ya...drive your car lor!
krumbs: money?
his mum: aiyah... u go and work lor!
---
his mum: So is Val coming over? Ask her to come stay for 2 years lah!
krumbs: what? no mum...
his mum: ok ok...1 year?
krumbs: no mum! 6 months!
his mum: ok ok..
---
his mum: hey, u guys very free right? Go HDB and look for flats lah.
krumbs: huh? mum!?!?! erm... where's the money?
his mum: I'll pay for the deposit lor!
----
his mum: hey son, if you are serious about each other, I think we should talk about buying a flat seriously. Why dun you and val disucss about it seriously?
krumbs: Okay mum...
his mum: dun worry about the money. I'll pay. We'll talk about this seriously when u two come back next week.
---
***********************************
While I'm still not sure if I should go ahead with the plan of going over london for 6 months, but I'm definitely gonna resign.
I guess its about time to leave the company or else you'll be stuck in it.
Yes, i may not feel confident about looking for a ground job but at the same time, I feel i should get out of that comfort zone.
There are thousands and one questions one asks me why would I want to resign when the job seems good... but I have thousands and one replies to that. Its just a matter of personal preference i guess. I dun think its a bad job.. perhaps its just not my cup of tea. After all, I knew I wouldn't stay for long.
Well, future seems to be a lil uncertain for now. Just gonna take each step at a time.
01 September 2007
:: krumbs birthday ::
On his birthday early this month (ooh, i love the fact that he's a Leo), I brought him to Oosh at dempsey for dinner.
It was our first time there and we fell in love with that place at first sight.
Nice dinner...nice ambience and space for chilling out. We were a lil skeptical about the chillout area as we moved over because it seemed to be "mosquito-friendly". Well, it turned out no mozzies at all! We had phobia of mozzies recently, especially after getting more than 20 over jumbo bites from the commando mozzies in Sabah.
He thought that would be the end of the night but I surprised him by telling the cab driver somewhere else.
And then i blindfolded him and led him to the place. Gave him the birthday cake right at 12am sharp as he opened his eyes. He couldn't stopped smiling. :)
I'm glad he enjoyed it. All the planning and rushing, especially I was doing flight in between, was worth it.
It was our first time there and we fell in love with that place at first sight.
Nice dinner...nice ambience and space for chilling out. We were a lil skeptical about the chillout area as we moved over because it seemed to be "mosquito-friendly". Well, it turned out no mozzies at all! We had phobia of mozzies recently, especially after getting more than 20 over jumbo bites from the commando mozzies in Sabah.
He thought that would be the end of the night but I surprised him by telling the cab driver somewhere else.
And then i blindfolded him and led him to the place. Gave him the birthday cake right at 12am sharp as he opened his eyes. He couldn't stopped smiling. :)
I'm glad he enjoyed it. All the planning and rushing, especially I was doing flight in between, was worth it.
28 August 2007
:: Sabah Sabah! ::
Hello peeps!
I have really been busy and couldn't write as often as I wanted to. (ps to krumbs: i really wonder why?)
We went sabah recently (errr...in July actually), met isaac and had such great fun. The company was great, the diving was...an eye-opener (and considering I was almost drowned) and the river rafting was one hell of an adrenaline rush.
Yes, I was almost drowned. Well, it was just me being panic and all. Haha.. I wanted to quit but the instructor persuaded me to stay on and krumbs assured me he'll be just be right next to me.
In the end, I plucked up enough courage to stay on and did all the required skills safely. Of course, if it wasn't for krumbs, who always made sure he was within my sight, I wouldn't have succeeded. I had trouble with my buoyancy control a few times and was floating a bit higher than the rest. I was afraid to lose sight of the rest and krumbs and everytime I tried to look around me, his hands would reach out to me and gave me the assurance that I needed.
I remembered there was once as we dived into deeper depth, I forgot to release more air in my BCD, hence, I floated and floated and found myself going higher and higher than everyone else. I tried to release more air but somehow i just couldn't get myself down. Then, I kinda saw myself drifted away from the rest of the group. As I slowly lose sight of them, I resigned to my fate. I was a lil scared as I didn't where I was and where would the rest be and dunno if they realised I'm lost. All I knew was, I was heading to the surface involuntarily. Then, all of the sudden, I saw krumbs swimming towards me. I was totally relieved! I realised he was watching over me all this while. (and yes, the running joke was that... knowing how corals take thousands of years to form, he couldn't help feeling sad as he watched me and my fins flapping onto them. Oops! But hey! not that I purposely did that! O_o" )
And so with that, we had our basic diving license! I'm proud of that coz... I was afraid of fishes and was apprehensive if I should go ahead with it, this is especially so after the "nearly-drowned" incident. But I told myself I must overcome that phobia. Oh, my instructor, Nevelle also played a part in assuring me and guaranteeing me that I would come to no harm. He's really sweet too. So.. yeh, I'm a certified SSI diver!!
We did white river rafting together too... though I felt that I was just soaked in a huge tub of Ice milo. It was fun!
I had a great short vacation trip and I really didn't feel like coming home just yet. Oh well, isn't it all the same feeling when one went on a vacation?? Okay, I shall be contented. In fact, I am more than happy. Happy that we did lotsa activities together. Happy that we could actually had such great fun together. Happy that we found out a lot more about each other and could still be happy! Happy that we survived the 9 days together (why i say that? well coz apparently, both of us had some reservations as to whether we could stand each other's good/bad habits throughout the 9 days away from home and in close proximity. And it turned out good!)
"Such a relationship-building trip!" - krumbs.
Collages of photos are below.
I have really been busy and couldn't write as often as I wanted to. (ps to krumbs: i really wonder why?)
We went sabah recently (errr...in July actually), met isaac and had such great fun. The company was great, the diving was...an eye-opener (and considering I was almost drowned) and the river rafting was one hell of an adrenaline rush.
Yes, I was almost drowned. Well, it was just me being panic and all. Haha.. I wanted to quit but the instructor persuaded me to stay on and krumbs assured me he'll be just be right next to me.
In the end, I plucked up enough courage to stay on and did all the required skills safely. Of course, if it wasn't for krumbs, who always made sure he was within my sight, I wouldn't have succeeded. I had trouble with my buoyancy control a few times and was floating a bit higher than the rest. I was afraid to lose sight of the rest and krumbs and everytime I tried to look around me, his hands would reach out to me and gave me the assurance that I needed.
I remembered there was once as we dived into deeper depth, I forgot to release more air in my BCD, hence, I floated and floated and found myself going higher and higher than everyone else. I tried to release more air but somehow i just couldn't get myself down. Then, I kinda saw myself drifted away from the rest of the group. As I slowly lose sight of them, I resigned to my fate. I was a lil scared as I didn't where I was and where would the rest be and dunno if they realised I'm lost. All I knew was, I was heading to the surface involuntarily. Then, all of the sudden, I saw krumbs swimming towards me. I was totally relieved! I realised he was watching over me all this while. (and yes, the running joke was that... knowing how corals take thousands of years to form, he couldn't help feeling sad as he watched me and my fins flapping onto them. Oops! But hey! not that I purposely did that! O_o" )
And so with that, we had our basic diving license! I'm proud of that coz... I was afraid of fishes and was apprehensive if I should go ahead with it, this is especially so after the "nearly-drowned" incident. But I told myself I must overcome that phobia. Oh, my instructor, Nevelle also played a part in assuring me and guaranteeing me that I would come to no harm. He's really sweet too. So.. yeh, I'm a certified SSI diver!!
We did white river rafting together too... though I felt that I was just soaked in a huge tub of Ice milo. It was fun!
I had a great short vacation trip and I really didn't feel like coming home just yet. Oh well, isn't it all the same feeling when one went on a vacation?? Okay, I shall be contented. In fact, I am more than happy. Happy that we did lotsa activities together. Happy that we could actually had such great fun together. Happy that we found out a lot more about each other and could still be happy! Happy that we survived the 9 days together (why i say that? well coz apparently, both of us had some reservations as to whether we could stand each other's good/bad habits throughout the 9 days away from home and in close proximity. And it turned out good!)
"Such a relationship-building trip!" - krumbs.
Collages of photos are below.
20 July 2007
:: A clarification ::
This is very frustrating. I'm gonna say this again and I intend to make it permanent.
Your calculation is simply wrong. Besides, I didn't go away for 2 weeks.
I may not see him every day but I see him every day when I'm around in SG.
And its a fact that he only advanced when we split.
That's how feelings developed, if you haven't realised.
I DID NOT like some other guys and decided not to break up with you coz the other wasn't interested. You make me seem so cheap like I have to hold on to you like a saftey net.
This is simply bullshit and i think its the work of your own freaking haywired mind.
I may have find some guys cute but that is just that. Isn't this NORMAL?
And MIND YOU, i did not go any further coz I KNOW I WAS ATTACHED.
Please, will you wake up and remember something? Way before, I have already mentioned to you about breaking up. The problem is simply between US. About YOU and I not being able to FIT. About YOU not being able to provide me with some thing which I wanted in a significant other. About having a different religion. It is more apparent now and it affected me because of what happened to my grandma. With all these considerations, I did honestly tell you my concerns. It is not because I fell for another guy then I am thinking of splitting! My issue with you already started way before that.
I held on times after times coz you didn't want to let go. I tried to convince myself to stay and try too and I DID TRY. I was hoping things would change or I might change. BUT HELL NO. It didn't. I wasn't holding on to you coz there wasn't some one else. LIKE HOW I TOLD EVERY ONE ELSE, I'D RATHER BE OLD AND SINGLE AND DIE ALONE THAN TO MARRY A WRONG ONE. I realised, with all the concerns which I have mentioned to you before, you wasn't the one that I wanna spend my life time with.
One last time, the reason why I wanted a breakup is simply due to the issues between us. Its YOU.
DO NOT conveniently push to something else.
I may have like some one else after that. Excuse me, is that wrong?
Besides, telling me you want to destroy my LV the same way I tore your heart, is so ridiculous. I lend it to your MUM out of good will. I may have hurt you but I DID NOT BETRAY YOUR TRUST. So your comment on destroying MY LV coz I broke your trust simply does not apply.
I maintain. I DID NOT BETRAY YOUR TRUST.
Your calculation is simply wrong. Besides, I didn't go away for 2 weeks.
I may not see him every day but I see him every day when I'm around in SG.
And its a fact that he only advanced when we split.
That's how feelings developed, if you haven't realised.
I DID NOT like some other guys and decided not to break up with you coz the other wasn't interested. You make me seem so cheap like I have to hold on to you like a saftey net.
This is simply bullshit and i think its the work of your own freaking haywired mind.
I may have find some guys cute but that is just that. Isn't this NORMAL?
And MIND YOU, i did not go any further coz I KNOW I WAS ATTACHED.
Please, will you wake up and remember something? Way before, I have already mentioned to you about breaking up. The problem is simply between US. About YOU and I not being able to FIT. About YOU not being able to provide me with some thing which I wanted in a significant other. About having a different religion. It is more apparent now and it affected me because of what happened to my grandma. With all these considerations, I did honestly tell you my concerns. It is not because I fell for another guy then I am thinking of splitting! My issue with you already started way before that.
I held on times after times coz you didn't want to let go. I tried to convince myself to stay and try too and I DID TRY. I was hoping things would change or I might change. BUT HELL NO. It didn't. I wasn't holding on to you coz there wasn't some one else. LIKE HOW I TOLD EVERY ONE ELSE, I'D RATHER BE OLD AND SINGLE AND DIE ALONE THAN TO MARRY A WRONG ONE. I realised, with all the concerns which I have mentioned to you before, you wasn't the one that I wanna spend my life time with.
One last time, the reason why I wanted a breakup is simply due to the issues between us. Its YOU.
DO NOT conveniently push to something else.
I may have like some one else after that. Excuse me, is that wrong?
Besides, telling me you want to destroy my LV the same way I tore your heart, is so ridiculous. I lend it to your MUM out of good will. I may have hurt you but I DID NOT BETRAY YOUR TRUST. So your comment on destroying MY LV coz I broke your trust simply does not apply.
I maintain. I DID NOT BETRAY YOUR TRUST.
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