:: melancholic ::

Well, 2008 has come and 2007 has passed in a blink of an eye. Its amazing how time flies. I remember when I was younger, I always imagine how I'll be like when I am 25, 26, 27... This year I'm gonna be 28. And I'm no way near what I had imagined myself to be. :) Though that doesn't mean a bad thing.

I had imagined myself, at this age, to be someone who is already experienced in my area of work. But I am not. In fact, I had just started working not very long ago and my experience? A mere 2.5 years. However, I am not complaining coz I didn't regret the path I've chosen, the decisions I had made that made me where I am today.

I am contented I chose to leave Junior College after a year there and made my way to Singapore Polytechnic. I really did enjoyed my days in Poly, in fact I was happier. It was almost carefree. Now that I think back, there were several childish moments and its nice to have such fond memories. Had I not decided to go SP, I wouldn't have met my good friend, who has been with me all the way to university and went through the ups and downs with me all these years. Also, the good friends I made in university, the stockholm exchange and the Youth Expedition Project that followed. I guess everything happen for a reason eh?

Not that I regretted leaving JC. At least that's where I met him and knew what love is. Hahaha. Lame.

Well, I had thought I would be someone working in the office, who dresses in smart suits or pretty office wear, carrying a briefcase, working hard and climbing up the corporate ladder, carving out a career out there in the corporate world.
But HELL no. I was wearing a uniform. A uniform that the world recognizes (eerr..at least most of the world, some asked if we were from thai or msia airlines). A uniform that not only represents the company but the fine country that I live in. I may be just a tiny fraction of the large pool of crew, but I'm proud to say I was once part of the Singapore Girl, part of the "Great way to fly". :p I do not carry any briefcase but I carry luggages. I do not climb the corporate ladder but I walk. I walked from Singapore to London, Singapore to Sydney, Singapore to Shanghai, etc. kekeke.

I remember I hesitated to sign the contract as they broke the news to me that I've been chosen. There were many factors I needed to consider. In the end, the main reason that stood out was "I can only do this when I am young." So there. I flew for a while and have at least fulfilled one of my goals: Travel around the world!

Talking about youth, before I left the airline, there were many new crew who joined. Not only are they new, they are freaking young. Can you imagine someone at the age of 19, 20 or 21??? I couldn't believe my ear when I overheard a crew telling the other that she was born in 1987 or 1988. I turned around and went "WHAT?!" All right, I have to admit I'm getting older by the days. Generation gap exist!!!! haha.

When I was teenager, I thought that I'll get married by the age of 26. Bare in mind that 26 was already considered a little late at that point in time. Look! I'm way past 26 and...no way near married.

Age is just a figure, isn't it? Maybe when I say this, many of you would laugh at me but I just don't feel like I'm 28 at all! I feel as though I'm still like 24, 25ish. (hey, some crew did think that I was 24 and were in shock when I told them my age. hahaha. okie i have brag enough)

Now that a new year has come, I certainly hope it would be a better year than the last. 2007 was a little painful to begin with. Losing someone you love and knowing that you did not cherish enough and could have done better, was a little too much to deal with. The pain is still there and the wound still feels fresh. And all i can hold on to are the fond memories of her and the painful lesson learnt.

Sometimes we talked as if she is still around. "Ask nai nai to alter for you lor" my mum would said when I asked her to help me alter my clothes coz it was always my grandma who helped us to alter clothes. My heart aches everytime I hear such words. "okay, then I'll burn this for her and hope she'll receive" I would laughed it off to ease the pain. Sometimes we will go "haiz, if nai nai is around, it wouldn't be like this....she would have done this...done that..."

Yesterday we went for the prayer session as it was the one-year anniversary. Got a little melancholic and I kept telling myself not to think in order not to wet my eyes. My cousin told me there was once my aunty called my nai nai's house at about 12pm, the time she will always call when my grandma's still around. Coincidentally, my cousin picked up the phone and my aunty's heart almost jumped coz at that moment in time, she thought it was actually my nai nai. You see, everyone misses her and wishes she had never gone.

Well, I guess shit happens but life still goes on. I can either have myself indulge in sorrow or climb out of it and make sure I would never do the same again. I think I choose the latter. Regret is one thing that I can't handle well. I have her as my role model in my heart and I'll try to be the woman that she was when she was alive. I may not be as great as her but i would certainly try my best.

In one month's time, I will be away for a while. I hope all will be good.
I do not know for sure if that is a right decision as my heart still feel a little unease. As much as I would love to take a break, enjoy a little English life, be by krumb's side, I am worried about things at home. I would be home sick. I would miss my parents, the pointless arguments i have with sister, the company of friends.
I know it is a good opportunity for me to explore out there and see if i can find any work. It'll do good for my future. However, the thought of being so far away from home just makes me a little uneasy. I would still go ahead with the plan, rest assured. Guess I'm just being worrisome? It will be only half a year and hopefully, nothing will happen at home.

***********************

I went for the annual MRI and holter test in December. The result was out and I was there to see my doc last week. The results showed the same thing. It is still not confirm I have ARVD coz I merely fulfill the minor criteria or rather I seem to be at the early stages of ARVD. I asked the doc if it will worsen as time pass, but doc replied that there is no definite answer. It may worsen or it may not happen in my life time at all. Hence, the need to go for an annual mri check as he wants to monitor closely.

But what is confirmed is that I have PVC(Premature Ventricular Contractions) and an abnormal heart. PVC coupled with an abnormal heart would be potentially life threatening. I really do not feel like taking the medication for PVC but my doc said he is not comfortable with me not taking any medication especially when my PVC rate is very high. Guess I just have to eat this time.... Hey, i have to take every 12 hour everyday leh!!!!! and the pills are so expensive... :'( My brother is also taking another kind of pill for his heart condition and he advised me to eat the medicine. I may not think the medicine does anything for now but over time, it could potentially save my life if one day it should happen. So it is up to me whether I want to take that risk.

Doc also told me that there is a decrease in the functionality of the left chamber of my heart, from 54% last year to 49%. I was told that a normal person would be about 60%. However, some of the decrease could also be due to the measurement error during the mri test as my high PVC prevents it from taking the images accurately. Well, he said he can't say that there is a substantial progression but there is a certainly a progression. Hmm... I think what he meant was there is a progression towards deteriotion of my heart??

I wondered if what I have could be another kind of heart condition instead of ARVD. The doctor replied "The MRI basically tells the whole story." hmm..okay, i could be a potential ARVD patient then.. Or am I already one???

Anyway, if one day i should collapse and my heart stop beating, I hope my friends would be able to revive me using CPR. So peeps, please go and learn this might-potentially-save-val's-life skill!!! Oh, if one day i should faint for no reason, I need to go hospital and inform my doc too. Peeps, his name card is inside my wallet. Hahahhaa...

And if one day I should go suddenly......








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All right people, stay healthy.