I was watching the movie "Music and Lyrics" again that was showing on SKY movies channel this afternoon. One phrase in the show struck me. "...you always have this fairytale in your head and when it doesn't happen, you can't deal with it..." Something along that line. I think I'm also such a person. I like to dream and I always dream the most perfect fairytale. I like to paint a wonderful picture of everything that surrounds me. I wanted to be that someone, to have that something, etc etc... But the truth is... You don't always get what you dream about. And I can't deal with that. Of course, you would continue to strive towards that dream of yours but sometimes its just beyond your capacity. And then you start settling for second best? Now... that doesn't sound right. I think one should not settle for second best. It's All or Nothing...isn't it?
I always dreamt to have a beautiful wedding...a fairytale wedding. I think that's one of the most defining moments of one's life. The start of a brand new chapter, a new beginning of another exciting life together. But that's the extent to what I dream about. I don't have details about how beautiful my wedding would be. It will just be b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l. Something that's beyond words, beyond any description. It is just a feeling, you know it when it comes. How silly isn't it?
When all the wedding preparation started, I began to think hard of what I want... What's in the fairytale that I have been dreaming about? It didn't drop from the sky. I bought magazines and checked the internet for references. Everything in the magazines looks so fabulous but sadly you can't put everything together!! It would really look hideous wouldn't it? Its tough to make such decisions! And then it slowly comes together piece by piece.
I'm not joking when I say I had several nightmares of the wedding. I don't know why but I guess I was too stressed and worried too much that things would not run smoothly. It's just the mild perfectionist in me. But there was one nightmare that made me pretty happy. In it, everything was chaotic except for one thing - my hair! It was beautiful! And you know who styled it? My dearest grandma! This particular nightmare made me smile. When my sis and I were young, she was the one who always styled our hair to make us look like princesses, be it ponytails, plaits or buns. I miss her so much...and wish she was still around to witness my wedding. I guess she's in a better place now...perhaps she has a better view of all of us from up above. :p
20 May 2008
06 May 2008
:: Am i missing out or are you missing out? ::
As what the title of this entry clearly spells out, I wonder if I'm missing out stuff in Singapore or my family and friends are missing out stuff here, especially there's alot of going-on with the wedding preparation.
No doubt I'm not surrounded by the oh-so familiar people and environment, but I realised it is sufficient for me, with him just by my side. It has been a great time, slowly discovering each other queer queer living habits. Pointing it out loud to each other and promising to compromise to make us more comfortable...has been rather easy. Oh wait, i think i'm the one complaining the most. keke. He does not have much complaints. Hmm...I think i'm too good for him to make noise? lol. Nah, he's just very easy going and take things at his stride. Seldom does he get angry at all. But when he does get a little agitated (coz I like to push my luck), I'll chicken out. I know I'm pushing it. And then when i asked if he is angry with me, he's never said he was. The most i get from him was "mildly irritated" according to him.
Well, I guess after what he has been through in his past, he has learned to control his emotions TOO well. He learned not to get angry but when he really does, he roars, which, according to him has never really happened in recent years. He learned not to dwell in his emotions too much just in case he falls back to that state again if he is not careful. Hence, he is very cautious with his emotions.
He may seem nonchalant on the outside at times (and often misunderstood, oops!), but he is going through a lot in his mind. I didn't really find out until one day I was really pissed coz there's so much wedding preparation to do and I didn't really see him doing anything. So that was the first time i raised my voice at him. He listened to whatever I said and agreed to do whatever I wanted him to do. I thought it finally got through his head. But I looked at him quietly for a minute. I felt as though I have wronged him. So I asked him to speak up. Well, I found that that he just works differently from me. But that doesn't mean he's not working on it. So why doesn't he speak up and tell me that I've misunderstood him? I guess he just wants to make me happy by doing things MY way. I'm a little tyrant eh? >.<
On a side note, it just amazed me how I find 24 hours a day is just not enough. I think I'm working towards to becoming a successful professional bummer! I find each day passes so quickly even when I'm not doing anything!! Okay, i admit for the past week i have been hooked on my game. And the reason why I am writing this blog entry is because it is server maintenance day every Tuesday and this means i can't play until evening!! I want to level my character quickly so i can play with my friends at the same level. It has now become an addiction. Helllppp!!!
Of course, from time to time, what also keeps me busy is the wedding preparation. From sending emails to my bridesmaids to fitting the gowns to finding good deals from suppliers, discussing on the collaterals and finding on-site locations for photo shoots. There's a lotsa stuff to do! It is at times like this you wish you have your family and friends around to share your happiness and fun and giving you their honest opinions while making all these preps.
Thankfully, Jenn was here for a couple of days, I was able to indulge in those moments for a while. She has been a great help, my moral supporter, my trusted confidante, even when she's far far away...flying across different countries every now and then. I appreciate that and couldn't be more thankful. (just as i finished writing, Jenn said she might be coming to visit again!! yay!! my sweetheart!!)
No doubt I'm not surrounded by the oh-so familiar people and environment, but I realised it is sufficient for me, with him just by my side. It has been a great time, slowly discovering each other queer queer living habits. Pointing it out loud to each other and promising to compromise to make us more comfortable...has been rather easy. Oh wait, i think i'm the one complaining the most. keke. He does not have much complaints. Hmm...I think i'm too good for him to make noise? lol. Nah, he's just very easy going and take things at his stride. Seldom does he get angry at all. But when he does get a little agitated (coz I like to push my luck), I'll chicken out. I know I'm pushing it. And then when i asked if he is angry with me, he's never said he was. The most i get from him was "mildly irritated" according to him.
Well, I guess after what he has been through in his past, he has learned to control his emotions TOO well. He learned not to get angry but when he really does, he roars, which, according to him has never really happened in recent years. He learned not to dwell in his emotions too much just in case he falls back to that state again if he is not careful. Hence, he is very cautious with his emotions.
He may seem nonchalant on the outside at times (and often misunderstood, oops!), but he is going through a lot in his mind. I didn't really find out until one day I was really pissed coz there's so much wedding preparation to do and I didn't really see him doing anything. So that was the first time i raised my voice at him. He listened to whatever I said and agreed to do whatever I wanted him to do. I thought it finally got through his head. But I looked at him quietly for a minute. I felt as though I have wronged him. So I asked him to speak up. Well, I found that that he just works differently from me. But that doesn't mean he's not working on it. So why doesn't he speak up and tell me that I've misunderstood him? I guess he just wants to make me happy by doing things MY way. I'm a little tyrant eh? >.<
On a side note, it just amazed me how I find 24 hours a day is just not enough. I think I'm working towards to becoming a successful professional bummer! I find each day passes so quickly even when I'm not doing anything!! Okay, i admit for the past week i have been hooked on my game. And the reason why I am writing this blog entry is because it is server maintenance day every Tuesday and this means i can't play until evening!! I want to level my character quickly so i can play with my friends at the same level. It has now become an addiction. Helllppp!!!
Of course, from time to time, what also keeps me busy is the wedding preparation. From sending emails to my bridesmaids to fitting the gowns to finding good deals from suppliers, discussing on the collaterals and finding on-site locations for photo shoots. There's a lotsa stuff to do! It is at times like this you wish you have your family and friends around to share your happiness and fun and giving you their honest opinions while making all these preps.
Thankfully, Jenn was here for a couple of days, I was able to indulge in those moments for a while. She has been a great help, my moral supporter, my trusted confidante, even when she's far far away...flying across different countries every now and then. I appreciate that and couldn't be more thankful. (just as i finished writing, Jenn said she might be coming to visit again!! yay!! my sweetheart!!)
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