:: Nostalgia ::

It was girls' night out yest. Nope, we didn't go partying and all... just a mini girl's gathering at G's house (though the owner of the house is a guy and he just went overseas for work so we borrowed his place, heehee). The girls had cooked and eaten their dinner when I went over later after my flight. I made them cooked instant noodles for me as I made my way there.
And tah dah!! My dinner was ready the moment I reached and they served me like a lil princess. Wahahaha~ ooooh i like....!!
Oh and we had glutinous rice ball soup for dessert....it was lovely!

After the ra-ra, we sat down and have a chat and updated one another with the recent happenings. Several topics came up, such as, how are Y and K coping with their LDR (Long Distance Relationship), how is YW doing with her new job and her life after the break-up, and of coz amongst all these, there are the typical questions that I would bombard Y. "How was the first kiss?", "Under what circumstances", "How did it happen?", "what else did he do..?" hahaha...well, it didn't help when she was shy about it. I have to do the digging right? Heh.

As we chat further, I was reminded of the past. How the past events has shaped me and how certain people have made me who I am today. I would never forget E for he was my first love and though we did had many unhappy arguments after we broke up, we shared many many fond memories. He was the first one who made me feel so loved and showed me what love is. And it was these lovely memories during the times when we were together that strives me to find someone who can make me feel the same way again.

But he is also the same person who brought me down to the darkest days of my life. He slapped me and yes though I feel angry but what I learned from there is I would never ever ever let another guy treat me that way again. I comtemplated suicide. Never EVER before did I think I would be so stupid. I don't know why but that thought just came to me. I tried to but I stopped myself in time. And when he knew about it, he merely laughed and said the most hurtful words I ever heard "Hahaha, why didn't u cut deeper? hahahaha..pls lah I know you don't dare to do it." From that moment on, I woke up and realised how fucking silly I was. I WILL NEVER do that again.

I often wonder how someone can be such a sweet angel when we were together and yet a devil when it was over.

You may think it would be easy to get over this kind of person. It took me a long time. 2 years...maybe? It was a struggle inside me. One part of me missed him like crazy and wished we could be like before. I would go back to the places where we used to hang out. I would go back to the place where we first got together and sat there, just thinking of him and crying alone. However, the other part of me kept reminding myself how he had changed. Sometimes I would succumb to that part of me and I would smsed him and chat with him in msn. But what did I get in return? Another round of hurt and pain.

I dodged him when I was in uni. I was careful of where I was going and always keep a lookout for him. I don't know how many times had I hide behind a pillar until he was gone. I just didn't know how to face him like a normal person and I didn't want to allow myself to get into that deep shit again. Finally, I freed myself after a long while. He made me realised how love can be sweet and yet painful.

W reminds me of the guilt trip I went thru and I would never like to experience again.

P reminds me how selfless can one be. He let me know what unconditional love is. He is the living proof of the statement "If you really love a person, you would let her go and be somewhere she can be happy, with no questions asked." I don't know if I can be that selfless but would certainly try to be one.

I did not know how stubborn and persistant I was till I know A. Everyone around me advised me to let go but I held on for the longest time. I realised I can really give my 100% or even 101% for someone and would try and try until I ran out of breath, until all my energy has been drained, until I can't see any more hope.

He taught me not to be prejudiced and keep an open mind when dealing with people other than my own race.
He made me realised how many of us have misconceptions of our fellow people from other races, how wrong we are in passing our judgement on them, how wrong we are in our perception of them. I learned to be more sensitive towards this and not to be judgemental. After all, we are all the same, we are human. Isn't embracing the diversities we have more beautiful?

My good fren, C, since poly days, keeps my irrationality in check. I am such a irrational freak and she would be there to ensure I don't do anything stupid and offer me her most honest opinion. I appreciate the honesty and I cherish this friendship. We been thru the ups and downs of each other's life. I can be myself and be absolutely myself when with her. I could show my bad sides and she would take it. This friend is definitely one to keep.

I learned that that's what a true friend should be. That I can be myself, be it the good or bad sides, and she/her would be able to accept it. Kinda like boyfriend lah but of the same gender. Rather than always just show the good side of you..just so that ur friends would not have a bad impression of you. If that's the case, is it the true you that you are displaying? Or just the pretentious you? A true friend would stand by your side no matter what...i think. Even she made a bad decision after how much you have advised her against it, you would still be there to cushion her fall should she fail.

Of course I don't mean I can always throw my temper around and all and expect the other to accept. I will just be the real me with nothing to hide.

My sec sch good fren, C. She reminds me of me. Hahaha. You see, we are similar in many ways, in terms of thinkings, taste, etc. I enjoyed the times when we had fun and shared many activities together. They helped to pull myself together after E. i would say Girl Power!

Yes, I admit I did have times when I don't agree with what they had said and done. I had times when I am torn between hanging out with them or doing my school work and projects. Those were the times when I had hoped for some understanding from them. I realised it could probably be my fault too coz I didn't let them know, instead, I drifted apart and slowly, we changed and friendship faded i guess. Yes, I did fail as their friend coz I should have been honest with them. If I'm unhappy, I should have told them instead of keeping quiet about it and let myself drifted apart. But what and how should I say if I dun agree with them?

My childhood buddy, Y. She seems to know inside me out even though we seldom meet but we do keep each other updated. She reads my blog and i think she's the only one...and hey, get yourself a blog leh so i can be updated too!!! heh heh. She's the other friend who would stood by me even when I fall. I think we should meet up more often. Aarrgh, this is the part when I hate my job. Irregular timing.

Certain events made me who I am too. The Yep trip to Cambodia made me realised how fortunate we are. The innocent kids... all they wanted is to grow up quickly so that they can support their family. They cherish education and really have the desire to learn and be a useful person. Unlike in our society, children study coz they want to win their pals. The fund-raising for the trip had also let me know how kind some people's heart are. A not-so-close friend of mine approached me and expressed his interest in buying the t-shirts and notebooks when I put the sale as my subnick in the msn messenger. I was surprised coz I didn't approach him at all since I don' know him that well. I was touched by his kindness.

On the other hand, I was disappointed with some of my friends' awful remarks at that time. I do not like to force people to do things they don't like, especially this kinda charity thing. Its their own free will. I merely brought the fund-raising thing across and its really up to individual if you want to support or not. I certainly did not expect any criticism from them. They can choose not to buy or support and I wouldn't be unhappy at all, but I don't think it is nice to make those unneccessary remarks, especially coming from my own friends. I was truely hurt by those words.

Doing charity is really not easy and I would love to do my bits for the society in time to come, especially in the 3rd world countries. I'm more geared towards helping those poor kids...i would love to adopt children if i can and make a difference in their lives.

I guess I have written quite a fair bit on the recent passings of my grandad and grandma. One of my colleague's dad just passed away and whatever she was feeling, the emotions and thoughts... reminded me of what happened in the recent past and I felt the pain all over again. Up till now, I would never forget the pain of losing someone you love dearly. I would never allow myself to forget the pain, just so I would be reminded of how selfish I had been, how I missed the many chances of visiting them when I could. I would never forgive myself. And this would be the regret I have to live with for the rest of my life....

I learned to cherish and care for my family more. I just want to be around more often. I don't want to have another such regret.