It is approaching the 49th day soon after next week. 49 days after my grandfather left us. And yes, it is the number of days i've been trying to keep a vegetarian diet. EXCEPT for the FIRST week, when i was too hungry on board and accidentally forgot about it that i ate a.......sausage. Felt so guilty and promised and kept reminding myself never touch any meat after that....at least within the 49 days.
Of course it's not an easy task but it's not that all difficult as well. What makes it tough are that:
- Vegetarian food is not always available everywhere, especially now i have to travel around.
- Pure vegetarian food, like those fake meat and such, tasted HORRIBLE.
- It would be more convenient to go to an non-veg eatery where most of your friends frequent. I mean its easier for one, that is, me to accomodate the rest...right? Initially i have to resist the dying temptation to eat those yummy-looking, grilled, fried, braised (WHATEVER!) meat when my friends ordered them. But now..i can cope with it already.
On the other hand, it's not very diffcult coz:
- I've always like vegetables more than meat...(but tt doesn't mean i dun consume meat at all. I still love bak hwa..pork floss....u know what i mean!!)
- My grandmother and parents understand it's difficult for us to refrain from meat completel. So they encourage us to take any food...just try not to take any meat on the dish(that is, we can buy from any non-veg stall). So i am still able to eat my fave food "Hor Fun"...which i just need to tell them not to put any meat but add veggie.
- And of coz, i have lotsa instant noodles to turn to if it really gets desperate. (You dunno how many cups of instant noodles i have consumed when im overseas!!!! Eat till im sick!!!)
Ok...i'm still thinking if i can take my fave Tom Yam soup although i have taken it. OOOOPS!!!
I didn't touch any meat....but but but i think the soup is made of chicken-based...or at least something like that. And i'm still thinking if i can eat my fave roti prata..which contains ghee....and the curry contains meat as well?????????????????
Hmm....can i still eat all of those but i just dun eat any meat?!?!?!?! Can i can i can i can i!?!?!?!?
So anyway, my family and i was having the prayers just now when i realised it has only been a month after my beloved grand dad passed away. I was telling my cousin....it seems so long ago that it happened but it actually only happened recently. From time till time, i still think of him. And i miss him. I miss his sulky face when we forbade him to eat his junk food. I miss his innocent laughter when he watched a funny program on TV. I miss touching his botak head each time i visit him. Sometimes i still feel like crying..but i keep reminding myself he's at a better place now.
And then at the same time, I would also think of Ibrahim, my dear friend, who left us before my grand dad. I remembered how I kept visiting him during the last few weeks of his time...hoping to see a better him each day....
Sigh... things happened so suddenly.....still feel a little.......hmm..how to say?? Its like as though they're still around but they're not. I am moving on... but with the lost of my friend and my grand dad recently, i felt a little "guilty" (maybe?) that i am moving on. It's like i haven't grief enough. It's like....someone very dear to me has passed away...so how come it didn't seem to have impact me the way it should be...and that i still can move on, live normally......just like nothing happen now????
I dunno...it just feel.....strange. Can somebody tell me?
feel like crying already...
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the big and little things in my life
2 comments:
The only thing I can say "that's life" , I lost a lot of people who are dear to me, but what can you do?? Only thing is to go on and to cherish the memory of those who passed away. We all have to go. And about meat, Isn't it nice to eat meat????
Sometimes we feel that being sad is perhaps deemed as the "right" behaviour, the "right" feeling, the "right" mode... And just perhaps we are tied down by what is deemed "right", we compare ourselves against it.
If one has moved on, if one has overcome the sadness and grief and if one is okay already, does it make the person less worthy and less compassionate?
Moving on first, being okay about things first, dun make the sadness any less worthy. So hey, who is to tell u the kind of impact that you should feel.
Amazing how the society makes us how we ought to feel that we sometimes de-value our feelings and thoughts.
So anyway, take heed. And if need be, dun compare. After all, what is the benchmark? And even if there was, who sets the benchmark?
How right is there in a "right"?
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