:: happily ever-after? ::

Do i still deserve any happily ever after? After breaking his heart? In his words, so cruelly and heartlessly?

I know I'm selfish. But I also know I can't compromise my future.
I know I can try. But I also know I have no more energy.
I know I can be positive. But I also know I can't deceive myself anymore.

Yes, i know some may think i'm heartless. Shouldn't I give another shot especially we've been thru so much through the years?
But just like you all think, i'm heartless.. yes, I dun have the heart to stay anymore.

It is sad to see how this goes down the drain after so long. After having to try to convince everyone around me to accept us.
It was really tough. But I bite thru and finally got what I want...or so I thought. But look! what happens after that? Don't ask me why the things turned out the way it is. I have no clue and no answer for it. It just happen and the most I can do is to deal with it.

It was difficult to come to term with myself that I have to be this cruel. Why did I let it happen this way? Why have I done? Or What have I not done? Am I really this bad? Am I making a mistake? Why am I like that? Am I truely like that? I couldn't believe it but I know I have to be true to myself. Suddenly, I seem to have lose myself as I wander deeper into these thoughts.

It isn't the best ending. But I thought I did what I did for my own best and...indirectly, for his good?
If i see it going no where, isn't it better to take off now than when wedding bells ring?

I am sorry for what I've done and I know I've hurt you badly. It's my bad and I take full responsibilty for it.
You mentioned about karma. I know retribution will fall upon me one day. Even if it means sacrificing my "happily ever-after", i guess I still would have made the same decision.

I wish you the best.
I'm sorry. I truely am.

*************************************************************************

I finally teared when I heard this song in my Ipod. Every word seems to tell me how he felt. And i feel so bad.

张学友
我真的受伤了

窗外阴天了
音乐低声了
我的心开始想你了
灯光也暗了
音乐低声了
口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外阴天了
人是无聊了
我的心开始想你了
电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了
是你变了

灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了

:: mistakes? ::

I wonder... do we really need to take many wrong turns in order to know the right way?

I wonder...does it mean I have to make some mistakes before I know what is right?

:: now what ::

Well, things doesn't really seem to get any better.
I did try. But somehow I dunno why it doesn't feel the same anymore.
I have been trying to be positive.
I did what he told me to. Look back and see how we have come so far. The memories should guide us back to the right track.
Sometimes it does, but most of the times I find myself runnng away from it.

I dare not look into the future.
Am I just sitting here letting time pass by and see where it takes me?

I am not who I am. Am i?

:: To-Do List ::

Guess i have to write these stuff down before I forget or more accurately procrastinate away...

1. Scrapbook!!
2. Plan july vacation trip
3. Update resume and cover letters
4. Look out for jobs
5. Save save save money!

okie... think i have forgotten the others. will update them when i remember.

what a slacker i am.

:: i dunno what title ::

I feel like writing..but i dunno what to write.... So i'm just randomly throwing some irrelevant, nonsensical words out of my head now.

Dum dee dum dee dum dee dum...la la la la la la la..

oh ya, should I leave my current job? Its still a big question in my head...
I want to move on but I'm afraid. I dun feel quite confident about myself, neither do I think I'm smart. Plus the fact that I dun have any experience. Now... i wonder which company, in the area I'm interested, will consider my application. Hahaha. And of course, the next biggest concern is pay cut. I wonder if I'll be able to manage the pay cut.

Aaarrrggggghhhh.... HOW!!??!?!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?

I'm kinda stuck.

oh..that reminds me of a song... Stuck In A Moment by U2.
Nice.

BUT still stuck. AAARRRRGGH!

:: Back to square one ::

I went through one big round and am back to square one.

It isn't all a bad thing though.
At least I have learnt that there is really someone out there who truely loves me wholeheartedly and willing to do anything for me.
I felt touched when he said that.
As for me, I guess I have to learn to start from scratch again. Start loving all over again (just that its the same person) coz I think I have gotten used to be at the receiving end than giving. I think its time for me to try start giving. Hopefully things work out fine this time and just like in fairytale, happily ever after (dreaming again?!?!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Things between C and I got better after we thrash out our feelings. It was good.
This is a good example of how good things turned bad. Hahaha.. We were trying so hard to be sensitive to each other and trying to make each other feel better, that the tension between us built up and had caused a certain level of awkwardness and discomfort.

But I'm glad the issue is over and certainly feel like the load is off my mind especially when I poured out my inner feelings.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

On this note, I would like to proclaim that I'm an EMO Freak and I hate it!!!!

But sometimes, I like it, I DO!

Oh shucks!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Some time ago, we went Desaru....guess what? we played MJ all daaaaaay loooooooooonnnnnggg!